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Opinion AberRant
 Moving Daze
You know what I love? I love moving. Moving, oral surgery, and getting kicked repeatedly in the groin. Yep, the good life. Don’t get me wrong, I also appreciate IRS audits, food poisoning and swallowing my own tongue, but today I’d like to just focus in on the pleasures of moving. Painting, packing, cleaning, using your back instead of your knees to lift heavy objects—what could be more satisfying? Moving can be a wonderful growth experience, especially for couples. Here are just a few of the many benefits that can be gained through the process of moving.
Deepening Intimacy
Moving offers us an opportunity to get to know one another in a whole new way, such as through the requisite inventory of personal stuff. You could probably describe your partner through an artistic method such as assembling a collection of meaningful objects, sort of a three-dimensional still-life representation. Annie and I have been learning about one another through such objects, and it is a deeply personal process. At least, I take it personally. If she merely touches an item that I have set aside to pack, I immediately become defensive. It started with books. She would occasionally hold one up and read the title, “Fascinating Womanhood?” always with a question mark. Being a skilled mind reader, I knew what she really meant. “Are you freakin’ kidding me? You want to take up precious packing space with this DEBRIS?”
OK, maybe she wasn’t judging. She said she wasn’t. But I felt like she must be. And when I asked a perfectly innocent question about how many of her old softball gloves she really needed, I wasn’t casting aspersions on her preferences; I was just trying to, um, plan. I was trying to plan the size of the storage shed.
Then there is the packing of clothing. “Honey, should I keep this?” That is not the first line of a win—win situation. You might as well ask, “Honey, does this make me look (choose one) fat / old / matronly / clueless / like I’m in drag?” What we learned through this intimacy-enhancing process was basic, yet priceless. Pack in separate houses if possible; if not, at least pack in separate rooms.
Developing an Awareness of the
World Around You
In the cleaning process, I was going through a shoebox filled with old pens, shoe polish, buttons, etc. I basically threw it out because something had leaked in the shoebox and the contents were just crap anyway. There were a couple of items I salvaged, scissors and some nail clippers that just had a tiny spot of dried whatever had leaked, and I polished that away with a cloth.
After a little while, I really started sneezing. You know how cleaning stirs up the dust. I went into the bathroom and blew my nose. Then a strange thing happened: both my nostrils started to kind of burn. The burning quickly intensified, so I washed my hands really well and washed my face and even inside my nostrils, just to be on the safe side. The burning was spreading to my cheeks and lips so I hurried and took a Benadryl, thinking I was terribly allergic to something.
Then it hit me—one of the crap items that I tossed out of the box was an old can of PEPPER SPRAY. Who can guess what had leaked? Anyone? Looking back, I’m just glad I didn’t touch my eyes, or any other tender bits for that matter.
The bigger lesson is, tune in to the world around you. Otherwise, you may end up macing yourself, or worse: someone you love.
Taking Time to Breathe
One of the more exciting aspects of our move has been selling our house. This exhilarating ride gives you the opportunity to show the charm and perfection of your home at a moment’s notice. It’s a dream come true, like starring in your own commercial. Yes, selling your house is a bona-fide fantasyland of daily cleaning, take-out food and spending long hours hiding in your car while the realtor shows someone through “between 1 and 5 p.m.” Did I mention that you have to make the bed every day?
Selling your house is filled with suspense, wonder, and mystery. “What was that couple doing in the back yard? Did they love the kitchen? Do they really have any money? Was the older woman with them a mom or an aunt, or are they polyamorous?” It’s fun when you are expecting an offer, too, because it’s just like reading your lottery ticket as they call out the numbers, except they only call one number every 24 hours, so it kind of draws out the suspense.
The process of moving can be stressful. When the stress builds up, I have good friends who remind me to breathe. Sillies! I deal quite well with stress. And besides, between the gasping and the sighing, I AM FUCKING BREATHING. Ahem. Breathing…and growing.
Laurie Mecham was kind of hoping she could get some sympathy, but then the Universe spoke to her with two words: Hurricane Katrina. So she’s sorry for being such a selfish dick.
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