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Ruby Ridge Living
 Hunting Wabbits
So, Petals, I pick up the Sunday Tribune and what should cascade out all over the floor but the clear-cut, dead rainforest that is the weekend ads. Most of it I could live without, but Cherubs, there was one glossy little number that instantly piqued my interest and got my inner mountain man and testosterone just a-raging! A forty-page insert of guns, clothes, boots, and outdoor paraphernalia advertising the grand opening celebration of the new Cabela’s superstore.
I, for one, am really excited that Cabela’s chose to open such a convenient location in Lehi. It’s not surprising though when you consider all the edgy polygamists in Bluffdale and all the anti-government militias and survivalists in Utah County. Hey, they need ammunition, camouflage and black powder in bulk, so it just makes sense to put it all under one roof. But I have to tell you, the thing that just cracked me up all week was their ad for this king-sized camouflage comforter set—complete with a camouflage bed skirt—and two, yes, count them, cherubs, TWO matching camouflage pillow shams. How faux-butch is that? I laughed so hard I thought I was going to blow un-lady-like chunks all over the “arts and entertainment” section. When I eventually composed myself, it dawned on me that despite all of their macho posturing, Cabela’s is living proof that “straight” men do some seriously over-the-top drag.
Take the whole camping-slash-deer-hunting thing for example. You get four or five guys without their wives and girlfriends, drive them far away from civilization and any type of accountability, load them up with alcohol, put them in camouflage fetish drag and face paint, and bunk them down in a confined space like a tent. Hmmm … Am I the only person on earth who thinks that’s just about as gay as gay ever gets? Puhlease, I don’t care how straight you think you are, but that scenario has more blue balls than a McDonald’s playland. When are you big, over-accessorized closet cases just going to get it over and done with and come out screaming?
Oh, come on! You know you want to, and deep down Cabela’s knows you want to as well. How else do you explain their “must have” phallus-shaped “jerky blaster” or the “portable big buddy heater” that provides 12 hours of “heat.” I am not kidding, Pumpkins, that’s an actual honest-to-God product on page 31, right under the ad for “smoking wood” and right next to the highly homoerotic “hot camp shower” (which can give 25 hot five minute showers from an 8 foot hose!). For a mere $119.99 and by claiming to conserve water, you can grab your best deer hunting buddy and commune in the great outdoors together while sharing a camouflage loofah and some pine-scented soap on a rope. While you’re exfoliating each other’s backs, you can belt out some show tunes like “I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair” from South Pacific at the top of your lungs and in two-part harmony. Hey it’s BFE in the upper Uintahs … who’s going to know? And the best thing is if he gets a boner too, do you think he’s going to tell everyone on the ward’s half court basketball team? Oh, I don’t think so, Cupcakes! As generations of repressed, supposedly “heterosexual” Utah men will be very quick to tell you: “What happens in Deer Camp … stays in Deer Camp!” It’s a venerable Utah tradition and, might I add, my personal favorite! Ciao campers!
Ruby Ridge is a well-known Salt Lake City entertainer who supports local charities and raises funds for worthy causes. She is anxiously waiting for Coleman to come out with a camouflage coffee press and matching biscotti warmer.
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