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Sane Advice

Let’s Talk About Sex

by Lee Beckstead & Jim Struve

How’s your relationship with your sexual desires and needs? Valentine’s Day is looming around the corner and may be stimulating desires for you to connect with someone romantically and even sexually. Our “sane advice” for you this month is to consider your desires and needs by first trying to understand (1) how you feel about yourself as a sexual person, (2) what your attitudes are about sex, and (3) what your motivations are to act sexually.
      Many things may have affected how you relate to your sexuality. For example, as sexual minorities, we are vulnerable to believing negative societal beliefs about our sexuality. These constricting attitudes distort what we think is “appropriate” and cause us to feel shame for being sexual. Lack of trust or commitment can be a symptom of internalized homophobia. We may believe that the only way we can connect to others is by being sexual.
      Socially prescribed gender roles may also influence our attitudes about sex, including how we feel about our bodies. For instance, gay and bisexual men may equate sex with performance or conquest, while lesbian and bisexual women may not feel empowered to be assertive about sex. Our past relationship experiences (especially those from childhood) can also influence the kinds of relationships we form. No matter what we may want, we are naturally pulled toward recreating familiar relationships. For example, we may seek out sexual partners who treat us in ways that are similar to how we have been treated by significant people earlier in our lives.
      Societal influence may cause a person’s sexuality to be attached to faulty (but familiar) ways of connecting sexually. For example, one may equate sex with self-worth and acceptance and consequently be sexual to feel good or ease loneliness. Sex may be used in a relationship only as self-gratification to achieve a physical or psychological high. Substances may also be used to inhibit fears, deal with shame, and create a false bonding.
      Sometimes we even objectify ourselves, our bodies, specific body types and body parts, and certain gender traits and sexual acts. As objects, our bodies and body parts may be placed on a hierarchy and judged, making us vulnerable to rejection. Pain and disappointment become a greater risk when we build relationships on a foundation of objectified sexuality. We may feel demoralized and settle for relationships that are grounded in survival and letdown. That doesn’t sound like much fun!
      This week’s “sane advice” is a message of hope and possibility. It’s important to know that sex can be something revitalizing, creative, and connecting. Here are some suggestions to help you reclaim your sexuality. Consider committing for a period of time to one or two of these suggestions, in the spirit of exploration. Find out what arises when you relate to your sexuality from a different perspective. Take a deep breath, clear yourself of your cultural trainings about sexuality, and consider how a more intimate sexuality may add to your life.
      1. Be willing to know yourself on a deeper level. Notice what you feel when you think about sex. What do you experience during sex and afterwards?
      2. Tune in to your motivations for being sexual.
      3. Examine any restricted or distorted information you have about sex, sexual arousal, and possibilities of sexual union, including unresolved issues of sexual abuse or misuse.
      4. Celebrate sexual diversity for yourself and others. Be aware of how you are “boxed in” sexually. Consider sex as being spiritual, cognitive, psychological, social, emotional, as well as physical.
      5. Develop a healthy body image. Accept and value your entire body.
      6. Identify the boundaries and rules for how you want to act sexually. Live by these guidelines.
      7. Make space for fun and play. Risk more but also play safely.
      8. When you are sexual, go slowly. Take time to explore, pleasure, caress, touch, and become deeply acquainted in the moment with each other’s entire bodies, needs, and experiences.
      9. When you are sexual, allow the energy to build, expand, and move upward into your heart. Become familiar with feelings of joy and intense pleasure.
      10. If you’re in a relationship, pretend you are still dating and rediscover each other over and over. Create new routines.
      11. Know what you like before/during/after sex and tell your partner. Express desire and arousal (“I want you.” “My body is on fire when you do that.”). The right compliments, suggestions, and comments may inspire your love to new sexual heights and comfort.
      12. Focus less on the physical acts of sex. Explore emotional intimacy and enhance other parts of the relationship and each other’s lives.
      By paying attention to how you relate to your sexuality, you’ll naturally become more compassionate toward yourself, thereby deepening your “connectedness” to others. The adage “You must love yourself first before you love others” also applies to one’s sexual life.

Lee Beckstead, PhD and Jim Struve, LCSW are private practice psychotherapists in Salt Lake.