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Ruby Ridge Living
 Semper Fey
Cherubs, pull up a chair and grab some bonbons; I’ve got some dirt to dish. Remember the National Gay Men’s Health Summit held at the Hilton a few weeks back? Well, yes, it was lovely, my mind was expanded, lives were changed, yada, yada, yada. But let me tell you the strangest thing that happened on Saturday night that was just bizarro. By a freak accident of appalling scheduling, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (you know, those rabble-rousing drag nuns from San Francisco) were holding a workshop right down the hall from the University of Utah Marine Corps Reserves Ball. Oh my God, kittens, it was priceless. I haven’t seen such a hysterical oil and water mix-up with the potential for violence since the PETA booth was accidentally placed next to the Gay Rodeo Association booth at Utah Pride. I almost peed myself I was laughing so hard.
The baby jarheads just looked so adorable in their uniforms. They reminded me of those cute Anne Geddes calendars with the chubby-cheeked babies in pea pods and flowerpots and animal costumes. Anyway, the guys were so desperately trying to be all butch and grown up, but it was their dates that had me mesmerized like a deer in headlights. Most of the girls were wearing modest gowns (OK, there were a few really hootchie dresses, but I think that’s because there was some serious water retention going on that caused some collateral boobie mooshing—either that or Jenny Craig has officially been declared missing in action), but the problem was none of these girls could walk in heels on carpet. What a bunch of amateurs! If only they knew that across the hall there were at least 30 experienced men that could teach them to walk, turn, pivot and dip in those heels like a pro. At least 25 of those men could have shown them where to find a stunning clutch purse to go with their outfit, and 15 of them could have found it on sale!
But wait, Pumpkins, the whole situation gets weirder than cowboy poetry. The Health Summit people had set up information exchange tables for brochures and posters that were packed with STD, meth, safe sex, and all sorts of other gay-specific info. Problem was, the tables were placed exactly midpoint between the military ball and the restrooms, so they couldn’t be avoided. The muffy’s were AGHAST! Although, to be fair, is anyone ever truly prepared for a brochure on how to wash your sex toys? I know I cringed … but I digress.
Part of me was laughing at the absurdity of the situation, but another part of me was more introspective. A few weeks ago in my church bulletin, a former military officer who was stationed in Utah until his retirement, wrote to our congregation. He finally came out of the closet and told us that he had settled down with a wonderful partner. He explained that until he retired and moved out of state, he was too afraid of losing his job, his career (and trust me it was a long, distinguished one) and his retirement benefits by coming out and living life above the radar. Petals, my heart just aches thinking that there are thousands of men and women like him living isolated closeted lives in the military. Imagine the pressure, living in constant fear of slipping up just once and accidentally revealing your true self and losing everything that you have ever worked for. Then add the stress of being in combat and it’s amazing gay men and women still choose to serve at all. But honorably serve they do in every branch of the armed services. The sad irony is that the Marine Corp Reserves strutting around the Hilton telling fag jokes are probably destined to become officers with the lives of hundreds of soldiers and countless civilians in their immature hands. Yikes—that’s almost as scary as a bearded nun with a sex toy that smells like dishwashing liquid!
Ruby Ridge is one of the more opinionated members of the Utah Cyber Sluts, a camp drag group of performers who raise funds and support local charities. Her opinions are her own and fluctuate wildly due to irritability and watching a certain local Republican politician complain about other peoples’ ethics while he owns a check cashing business.
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