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I can see how the New York Fire Department was kind of pissed when their cover model for last year’s beefcake calendar turned up drunk and flopping his meat around for the cameras on Guys Gone Wild. And I can definitely see how Disney might be taken aback by PG and virginal High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens sending nudie pics from her cell phone to her co-stars.

But firing a soap hunk because he posed for Playgirl — that’s got Vanessa Williams and the Miss America scandal written all over … and we hope Marcus Patrick becomes a household name for it.

Until Nov. 14, Patrick played Jett Carver on the popular daytime drama Days of Our Lives. He also had a stint on All My Children and can currently be seen in the indie gay flick Dirty Laundry. But pick up the latest copy of Playgirl and you’ll see a whole hell of a lot more. Unlike most actors who post for the magazine, he elected to go full frontal. Nice.

While Days producers insist the decision was made to ax the character long before Marcus’ pictorial hit newsstands, the timing couldn’t be more awkward — and the actor is suggesting the soap isn’t being on the up and up. But something tells us this toned Brit stud won’t have any trouble finding work.

It’s certainly been a wild week for Hollywood’s crop of trouble makers, starting with what seems to be the downfall of every young starlet, drugs. I’ll save Brit for second because someone managed to one-up her this week.

And that someone is Amy Winehouse.

True, she did her damage across the pond, but what damage it was. Stumbling to the stage in an attempt to make good on her promise to perform, fans described the gravelly voiced soul singer as a train wreck.

One fan wrote to Perez Hilton, “She was very, very drunk, she made various rambling references to her ‘husband’ (even going as far to threaten audience members who booed with him) … She referred to us as ‘monkey cunts’ at one point, and she forgot the words to most of her songs.”

Comparisons to Janis Joplin sure seem to run deep. Earlier this week, the cops busted down the door at Amy’s UK pad to search the joint. It ended with Amy’s hubbie being hauled into jail. We’re not completely certain it was drug related, but the suggestion that he was “interfering with an ongoing investigation” leads us to believe that something’s not right in their happy little home.

Add to that a recent interview with Amy in which the journalist said she was in and out of consciousness and admitted to using heroin on occasion and it’s pretty evident this girl needs help, fast. “They say I gotta go to Rehab” — Yeah, I say go, go, go!

And Britney Spears needs help almost as fast. The one-time pop tart failed a drug test early in the week of Nov. 11 and her reps have been scrambling to explain away the positive results. First they cried Provigil, an anti-depressant Spears has been photographed wandering around with. Problem is, Provigil isn’t a amphetamine, which is what she tested positive for.

Next they claimed it must be her asthma meds. Oh, but strike two. Not only does it not fit the bill, but docs have reported that Spears doesn’t have asthma. So basically, her reps called into question what she’s doing wandering around with inhalers.

They settled on Adderal, an amphetamine Spears reportedly uses to treat Attention Deficit Disorder. It also happens to be a drug used by college students to stay awake during exams — crack-lite, if you will.

Damn, Brit’s like a walking pharmacy. Add to that all the booze she reportedly downs, and God help the kids strapped into the car with her.

Plus, as if she hadn't already pissed off the Catholics enough (not that I mind so much), they're gonna be even more pissed when they find out what the priest she posed with in those scandalous album photos wore before he lipped into the cloth. Hint: not much.
It seems the hunky man of God is a former International Male model.

Now any of you gays who grew up amid pressure to wear something far too tight, far too revealing and far too gay even for you, I'm sure you know all too well what sort of clothing the International Male catalogue has to offer.

Now, let's move on from the Catholics to the Mormons. Thankfully, Marie Osmond’s son seems to be catching his addiction early, at 16.

Sixteen years old? How Drew Barrymore of him. Marie got ambushed on Larry King Live and admitted her son was seeking treatment for a substance abuse problem. Marie added how proud she was of him for recognizing the problem and seeking treatment early.

Um, when your kid’s 16, isn’t it your job as a parent to recognize the problem and seek treatment for him, Marie? I’m all for standing up for your kids, but perhaps he’s a little bit country and a little bit rock ‘n’ roll and he could benefit from the cold hard truth. Don’t go on Larry King talking about your pride as a mom. Tell Larry you’ve got a boozer as a kid who went away before it landed him in the ground.

Sadly, this is not a good time for Marie. On top of this, she lost her dad on Nov. 6.

Better for her, it seems, than Howard K. Stern, not that I have any sympathy for that ass. Shocker alert: he’s broke. Despite the suggestion that he was living off of Anna Nicole’s millions (which she never officially received, I might add), the “lawyer” claims he’s been tied up in so many lawsuits for so many years, he’s flat broke. He even owes his parents thousands of dollars.

So what does he plan to do about it?

Well, for starters, he shared the news with US Weekly, so you know they probably paid. And it’s not like Howard doesn’t know how to get a reality show off the ground. Just the thought of watching him try to play stepdad to Dannielyn outta spark viewer interest for at least a season. Budgeted wisely, that should make a dent. If all else fails, there’s always The Surreal Life, though something tells me they’d kick his ass out the very first week.

And because it just sort of seems to be that celebrities can’t go a week without making some sort of off-color derogatory comment, this week’s offender — Ocean’s 11-13 star Scott Caan — took his aggression out on the paparazzi.

Allegedly pissed because they were snapping shots of him wolfing down a cheeseburger, Scott called the guy a faggot, then offered him $10,000 if he would fight with him.
Ten-thousand. Better watch your money, Scott. George Clooney said the Oceans series is done, and I don’t see other franchises barking up your tree.

As for the ‘f’ word, well, that tape will catch your ass soon enough.

And that’s all, folks. Thanks for playing, and remember. Take the time to stop and smell the gossip!

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