Ruby Ridge

Pity, Party of One

Aloha, kittens! I hope you are all well.

Speaking of feeling well, I must give sincere thanks to all of you who called or e-mailed when you read about my accident. It was very kind of you, and I truly appreciate your best wishes and prayers. Although, cherubs, what was really funny was how many of you thought I was actually joking.

Ruby RidgeYes darlings, I really did break my elbow on one arm and my wrist on the other. And let me tell you, for someone as hyperactive as moi, it’s been a royal pain not being able to drive, work out or even type with more than one finger. To make a long story short, I simply do not do sedentary well! Thankfully Mr. Ridge has been a trooper helping out and putting up with my whining and moodiness (which in retrospect probably hasn’t changed that much from normal, anyway). It must get tiring though, and I get the feeling that as soon as I finish writing this he’s probably going to jump on the internet to Google euthanasia instructions. Which reminds me, should chicken soup taste metallic? Just wondering.

Anyway, you wouldn’t believe how awkward it is doing the most basic things when you have two honking-great casts on your arms. Forget about buttons and laces (I’ve been wearing t-shirts and slip-on shoes for three weeks), putting in contact lenses (I swear to God, I am making an appointment for Lasik as soon as I can dial a phone), and don’t even get me started about using a freaking fork! Right now most of my dining out experiences involve utensil-free chicken nuggets and French fries, and I am one step away from declaring jihad on any restaurant that serves coffee creamer in those stupid little hermetically sealed communion cups. Those little f*&#@rs are impossible to open at the best of times!

But petals, I have to tell you the most atrocious story which, like a biblical parable, perfectly illustrates my current condition. Be warned, it’s pretty graphic and semi-disgusting so you may want to send small children or any impressionable Utah County legislators out of the room. A few days after the accident I was swollen and purple with bruising and I had no coordination or power in my hands, but I needed to blow my nose. I KNOW, I KNOW! Comedy ensues! So despite being in shoulder-length casts, I manage to pick up the tissue in my right hand because my left arm is completely immobilized. But I misjudged where my hand was in relation to my face and I completely miss the tissue. This sends a gravity-defying booger flying at the speed of light across the bathroom to stick against the wall like an al dente spaghetti noodle! Oh my God, it was visually appalling, and I was aghast, petals, AGHAST! But on the positive side, I got some distance on that puppy, so I’m thinking my lung capacity is fine.

Well, the good news is my casts come off in two weeks right before I host the Fun Bus to Wendover on March 1, and trust me I will be partying and attacking that buffet with a fork in both hands!  Michael has all of the Wendover info on the Web site gaywendover.com and I invite you to come and party with us. These bus trips are affordable, fun, and what I just love about them is the fabulous mix of people that go. Straights, gays, liberals, co-workers, family and friends – its all good! See you there, cupcakes!

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