Ruby Ridge

Love in a Box

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Well, it’s that special time of year, cherubs. The time of year when young women take to the streets flaunting their assets and giving a quick, tawdry thrill to the nameless Johns who circle around craving their goodies. No, I’m not talking about hookers giving hand jobs off State Street … I’m talking about the annual Girl Scout Cookie Drive. Get your minds out of the South Salt Lake gutter, people. I am appalled!

Believe it or not darlings, I absolutely adore the Girl Scout Cookie drive and here’s why. It’s not because I can wolf down an entire box of Thin Mints, Samoas, Tagalongs, or Do-si-dos in one sitting (although that could be a real contributing factor). It’s how it must completely piss off the patriarchal bastards that rule the Boy Scouts Council that they have been totally eclipsed in the entrepreneurial, self-sufficiency, and fundraising department by a bunch of giggling girls selling cookies. That just totally cracks me up! It must just give the old exclusionary Boy Scout regime screaming hissy fits that, despite all of their “be prepared”, militaristic, God and Country, discipline and honor BS, they have nothing that comes even close to the financial sustainability of cookies in a box. To which I say, “You go girls!”

Did you know the Girl Scouts have been peddling cookies since 1917? I know, it was a shocker to me too! Apparently, it all started in Muskogee, Oklahoma when the Mistletoe Troop baked cookies and sold them at a High School cafeteria. Almost a hundred years later, the rest is marketing history and they are a pop culture icon. Genius!

I know this may sound tacky but if you get a spare moment, pumpkins, you really should pull up their Web site and read their frequently asked questions. I must be completely warped, because I was roaring with laughter when I read them. They are so perversely funny in this overly politically correct kind of way. Because they are such a huge cultural phenomenon that needs to appeal to a broad market, the Girl Scouts has actually developed talking points about their cookies to counter any negative media, or hostile questions from their buying public. Listen to some of these PC gems: “Obesity is at epidemic levels, particularly childhood obesity. Does it concern you that by selling cookies you are contributing to a very real health threat?” or “What about Girl Scout Cookies and partially hydrogenated oils (trans fats)?” or “Are all Girl Scout Cookies kosher?” and my personal politically correct favorite: “Does the chocolate used in Girl Scout Cookies come from a free trade zone or is it from cacao beans picked by children?”

Oh my God, isn’t that just the best? With that kind of thorough preparation those little doe-eyed, pig tailed Brownies could bitch slap some investigative reporter like Anderson Cooper or Mike Wallace into a coma. Seriously, I bet there are LDS Missionaries out there that can’t answer a basic question about the Holy Trinity, but you could ask any Girl Scout about the Palm Oils in Caramel DeLites and she would wipe the floor with you. I respect that!

So go out and buy some Girl Scout Cookies, petals, and help build some Courage, Confidence and Character in our young girls. By planning their sales, staffing their booths, coordinating the distribution of thousands of boxes, and reporting their sales, the Girl Scout Cookie drive gives invaluable experience to these entrepreneurial young girls. But keep your eyes on the Brownie in the warehouse driving the fork lift full of cookies, because you know it’s only a matter of time until that one’s wearing a UPS uniform, chugging Jaeger shots and watching Monday Night Football at the Paper Moon. So “Be Prepared!” Ciao, babies!

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