What a year 2008 has been for us behind the Zion Curtain so far. Yikes! First Brother Gordon took the Frontrunner to heaven, and then strong and mighty Mitt Romney was defeated by Goober Huckabee of Mayberry, and now the Yearning for Zion fiasco deep in the heart of Texas. And just when Mormons are suffering battle fatigue from constantly chanting the mantra “we are Christians too, but we are not polygamists. We are Christians too, but we are not polygamist,” Pope Benedict XVI has told them to keep their filthy paws off our dead Catholic draws.
I don’t know about you, but I am just so worried about what the Bountiful 4th Aaronic priesthood quorum will being doing on Friday nights if they aren’t at the temple baptizing the dead. Well I guess there are always the Hindu dead. “I baptize you Ajatashatru Balasubramanium in the name of the Father blah blah blah …” Somehow it just doesn’t have the same Irish lilt that Jerry O’Leary has, does it?
I wonder what the Mormons did to piss off Yahweh so badly that He’s raining down so much shit this year. It could be that heaven’s sewers are just backed up. But my guess is that karma is boomeranging back for that Proposition Three thing. Anybody remember that?
And now President Monson is clapping his hands and chortling, “I do believe in fairies. I do believe in fairies. I do I do I do.” Don’t you just know that Spence Kimball is spinning in his grave? An official LDS audience with Affirmation, you know that group masturbating itself into bestiality?! Oh, read the book. The times, they are a-changing.
Now I admit I use to be Mormon a few light years ago, and I’d like to think that I have a bit more compassion for them then they did for. But who am I kidding? I love kicking against the pricks. But I digress. Hold on. I am coming to the jism – I mean jist of my belabored point.
When I was still a semi-believing Mormon I helped established a gay Mormon Church here in Salt Lake City. It still exists even … no thanks to me. But once upon a time, I was its Bishop Agent. Now you might ask, “What the hell is a Bishop Agent?” Well you needn’t bother because the position no longer exists. However, when I was a Bishop Agent and privy to the secret (I mean sacred) councils, one of the issues we pondered was polygamy! We pored over whether Mormon polygamy was going to be a doctrinal practice of the church and who would be first to act upon it.
I bet you thought I’d be first in line, but you would be wrong. I even bet you thought it would be a bunch of horny gay guys who would be celestially shacking up, but again you would be wrong. It was the leaping lesbians. OMG! Yes, you heard me right. It was the lesbian Sisters who first entered plural marriage in the church. Four lesbian priesthood holders ranging from Melchizedek to the Aaronic formed the first gay plural marriage here in Salt Lake City. As you may have guessed, it didn’t last. But don’t be judgmental. Didn’t the first legal lesbian monogamous marriage end in the first lesbian divorce? I will answer that for you: Yes it did.
I got to thinking about the sister wives of Mormon polygamy the other day when I remembered how my Mormon ex-wife use to tell me that she almost joined Guy Musser’s polygamy group because she was attracted to the mostly female environment of Short Creek. Hmmmm … an all-female compound. Was polygamy the Mormons’ answer to the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival?
With that said, one has to wonder how many of these FLDS sister wives in the Yearning for Zion compound are actually closeted lesbians. Think about it. Here these women are in a closed society where almost all of their daily interaction and intimacy is with sister wives, not males. In reality the dopy old pollywog men are nothing more then walking turkey basters. I mean, really. This place is a female society where excessive amounts of males are run off or dumped by the side of the road. The men are rarely around because they are in hiding from G-men. Since the fundies only do the nasty when a woman is ovulating, the women rarely have to put up with their husband’s “needs.” And once she’s pregnant she’s free of the nasty old cuss for about a year.
I wonder if some lesbians fantasize about being in Short Creek the way some gay guys fantasize about being in prison. I wonder if they would admit it. Probably not.