Oh my God, kittens. Just when you think you have straight people all figured out they do something completely bizzaro that pulls the rug out from under your hetero assumptions.
Case in point: One of my straight female employees innocently showed me a women’s magazine article that just absolutely blew my mind. Apparently there is now an electronic vibrator that women can ummm … insert you know where while they walk around doing their daily routine. That in itself is a tad disturbing, but here’s the weird thing: it’s calibrated to vibrate when you receive a cell phone call. I KNOW! I KNOW! Talk about reach out and touch someone. Also it doesn’t just respond to your cell phone, but everyone else’s cell phone within receiving range. That could sure put a smile on your face and an unexpected shudder in your step. I’m not sure I could trust myself with a device as powerfully addictive and as pleasure-inducing as that. I’d probably end up sitting at the airport Cinnabon vibrating like a tuning fork as the business class passengers disembark and fire up their cell phones and Blackberrys. Ahhh, the pulsating wonders of the electronic age and sticky buns, too. At the risk of being hopelessly crude, I think it would be hysterical if they put speakers on the thing so that your ring tones came out of your pants all muffled. I would be the first in line to download the entire Dianna Ross song catalog just so I could horrify people with my quiche singing “I’m Coming Out”, “Can’t Hurry Love” or my personal favorite, “Touch Me in the Morning and Then Just Walk Away.”
Actually petals, I do have a new toy that makes me happier than a muff singing Motown. It’s a new Karcher Pressure Washer from Lowes. Let me tell you muffins, it is fantastic. Since I bought it a few weeks ago, I have been pressure washing everything in sight like a woman possessed! My car floor mats and my dog kennels are sparkling, my concrete is gleaming, and the siding on my double-wide is immaculate. With 2600 pounds per square inch pressure, this nifty little machine (that I lovingly call the Turbo Douche 3000) has taken my spring cleaning routine to an entirely different level. Although a word of caution to the wise, cherubs, don’t ever go on a coffee-fueled pressure washing rampage wearing toeless sandals. I almost blasted my left toes into Tooele County by accident and it still hurts like hell when I wear heels. Now that I have polished every surface I can find, I am anxiously waiting for my new heavy duty Craftsman Tiller to arrive from Sears. (God bless the Bush administrations cheesy economic stimulus checks. I know they’re a short term crutch, economically irresponsible and a voter buy off, but hey. It’s not like my hypothetical offspring and their hypothetical children are ever going to have to repay China for them.) It’s on back order, so I’m stuck pacing around my back yard like a possessed Amish farmer. I guess I could use the down time to buy some stunning steel toed boots to replace my flimsy sandals. God knows I wouldn’t want my toes in the way of the hardened steel tines when my new vibrator/phone goes off. Ciao, babies!
For an evening of politically incorrect entertainment, questionable glamour and raucous opinion, join Ruby Ridge as she hosts 3rd Friday Bingo (on the 3rd Friday of each month at 7:00 p.m.) at the First Baptist Church in Salt Lake City (777 South 1300 East). Oh, and wear sensible shoes (don’t even ask why).