It’s summer, a season for travel of all sorts, by train, automobile, bus, boat and, of course, plane. Especially plane. Since this is a sex column, you probably know where this is going: up, up and away, and I’m not talking about fuel prices.
For this installment I read everything that I can on the so-called mile high club – that is, the art of having sex on an aircraft. And here's what I learned. The best time for joining the mile high club is on a very long flight, after the meal service, and about 20 minutes into the in-flight movie. Forget about airplane sex on a short flight.
Each airplane has bathrooms that vary wildly in size. Look for the biggest one on the plane you're on. Bathrooms with changing trays, should you be able to find one, tend to be bigger.
You should leave your seat first, go to the pre-determined lavatory and lock the door. Your partner should knock on the door and join you a minute later. When exiting, leave together, but have your partner return to his or her seat first. You should mill around the bathrooms for a minute, so you return to your seats at different times.
Always make airplane sex a quickie. Always. You don't really have many options for positions in a cramped airplane bathroom, so decide how you're going to fit together before you get there. Wear loose-fitting clothes. And out of respect for whomever's face gets crammed into the mirror, bring a packet of anti-bacterial wipes to disinfect the bathroom.
Your flight attendant will probably know what you're up to. They're very savvy about everything that happens on the plane. If you get caught, don't be obnoxious. Return discreetly and quietly to your seat, and follow all the attendant's instructions.
The most important thing: Whatever you do, don't have an after-sex cigarette unless you’d like to tell TSA why the smoke alarms are all shrieking. There's everything you ever wanted to know about joining the club.
Of course, you could opt for a blanket-covered hand job in the seat. That eliminates the need for all the above steps, but it also takes away all the fun.
Now, I've never joined the mile high club. But I always think about joining when I'm on an airplane. I also wonder, “What would it be called if you just masturbated in the plane restroom?” The name I keep thinking of is “The Mile-Low Club.” If I had sex on the plane, I'd feel like giving everyone high fives on my way back to my seat. If I masturbated in a plane bathroom, I'd be super self-conscious. Instead of high fiving people, I'd feel low and put my hand sheepishly back into my pocket. I’d also be reluctant because of the horrible smell that looms around the airplane lavatories. Or maybe I just feel that way because I have hang-ups about bathrooms and masturbation.
See, when I was young, I used to masturbate in the bathroom all the time. But then I stopped for religious reasons. I stopped masturbating for six years. Seriously. Six years.
But refraining wasn’t worth it. During my dry streak, I'd have wet dreams all the time. Most guys I've talked to have nice wet dreams. Mine, however, always ended bizarrely in a horribly misshapen public bathroom. I’d remember all the parts after I'd creamed my pajamas, but hadn't woken up yet. So in my dream I’d be embarrassed and roam awkwardly around a large, inexplicable dream bathroom for about ten minutes until I'd finally wake up. I couldn't remember my sexy dream, just the uneasiness from plodding through a nightmarish bathroom.
Understandably when I started masturbating again, the bathroom just wasn't doing it for me anymore. I tried to masturbate in the shower once, to see if I'd like it. It was OK, but it took me forever to finish. That was quite a few years ago, and I haven't done it since. Don't get me wrong. I masturbate a lot (just not in the vicinity of a toilet). I'm a big proponent of masturbation. Though I can't officially condone airplane masturbation, I'm sure it happens all the time. I look at people's faces as they're exiting the tiny bathrooms and wonder.
I suppose I could try the whole jerking off in the bathroom thing, but I almost always masturbate to porn. I have this scary picture of bringing porn on the plane, and then accidentally tripping and falling on my way to the bathroom. I can just see my bag opening up and spilling porno magazines all over an innocent Mormon sister returning to Salt Lake from her mission in Sri Lanka. Her Daddy is an attorney who lives on the Hill, and my name gets plastered all over the local newspapers, with a quote from me that goes something like, “I wasn't trying to corrupt an innocent, honestly! I was just trying to masturbate on the plane.”
Yeah. For me, it’s better to keep porn and masturbation at home.