Michael Aaron

Another 2009 Predictions Article

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Yes, anyone and everyone is doing a 2009 predictions issue. So … I decided I at least had to do a column about it. Consider yourself spared from 44 pages of them … well, 43½.

10. Utah will pass a gay ­marriage bill.

Yes, it will be overturned in 2010, but Sen. Chris Buttars will sponsor a bill in the 2009 legislative session to ban all cohabitation by unmarried people in the state of Utah. The bill will sail through the Senate Committee, where Sen. Scott McCoy will introduce a one-word amendment to the bill which will completely change the bill’s affect to be 180 degrees from Buttars’ intentions. No one in the legislature or mainstream media will catch McCoy’s intent and the bill will sail through both the Senate and the House. Gayle Ruzicka will be flummoxed over why Utah’s gay community will be completely silent on the issue.

9. All of Utah’s news ­personalities will come out.

Yes, each and every one of them. Well, except for Fox 13’s Dan Evans. He will wait until 2011. Damon Yummy … I mean Yauney … will lead the pack, announcing his marriage plans (in Utah) with Big Budha. Anderson Cooper will be so moved by the courage and honesty of the reddest of red states’ media, he will come out and reveal that he has been in a 13-year marriage with Ryan Seacrest, who will deny the revelation.

8. Cher will come out of ­retirement.

Okay, so this one is so cheating. You have to throw in a few obvious ones just so people will know you are completely right on-track.

7. Club Jam will get their liquor license.

After years of fighting the club, the polygamist neighbors on Reed Avenue will find out that 14 of their 21 boys and seven of their 19 girls are gay and lesbian, respectively. After a month of pandemonium, the parents leading the charge against the uber-chic club will suddenly welcome it with open arms. Mayor Ralph Becker will pretend like he stepped in to make the deal and will cut the pink ribbon on the liquor cabinets behind the bar.

6. Six more non-gay clubs will announce a gay night.

Straight guys and gals will stop drinking alcohol because of the economy and the fact that they have to feed and clothe their children. Trails will block out the “R” on their sign on Wednesdays. After winning a stay on their building’s demolition, Port-O-Call will change their “Food · Ghosts · Fun” neon to “Food · Gays · Fun” and other bars will move their entrances to the rear.

5. Larry Miller will dedicate one theater in each Megaplex location to queer films.

While in the hospital, Miller will have a revelation that he was wrong back in the days of Brokeback Mountain and will pay penance by introducing Utah to bad gay cinema.

4. The Mormon Church will fold.

Activists bent (or is that bent activists?) on challenging the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ tax exempt status will convince a (gay) IRS agent and the church will be forced to close its doors under the tax burden. The Salt Lake City Temple will be converted into a gay club known as “Tinkerbell’s Castle” and the Church Office Building will be sold to the Utah Pride Center. The lesbian-heavy board will roll their eyes at the phallic nature of the building, but okay the move anyway in a split vote. “Our Store” will take over operation of Deseret Industries.

3. Karl Rove will change sides.

Seeing the downfall of the Republican Party, Karl Rove will notice a significant cut in pay and seek a more lucrative gig on the liberal side of the isle. The Green Party then trounces all races in 2010 and gains control of the House and the Senate.

2. Prop 8 is overturned by a 98 percent vote.

California voters will suddenly notice that their ballots were misprinted and, as reported by The Onion, Proposition 8 required that all marriages were to be between “one man and one wolfman.” All marriages in the state but one are nullified and the measure goes up for a re-vote.

1. QSaltLake wins a Nobel Prize in literature.

JoSelle Vanderhooft is awarded a Nobel Prize for her work on “Gay Geeks.” We later find out that the gay geeks of the world conspired to manipulate the computerized voting in her favor and she is disqualified, but only after cashing the check.

I know that each and every prediction here will come true.

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