Ruby Ridge


I am outraged, kittens! OUTRAGED!

I’ll tell you why. Close your eyes and quickly name who won this years Miss USA pageant. Come on, petals, it was only held last month. You should know this.

Nothing? Coming up empty? Well, the hole in your short term memory isn’t all because of those Red Bull martinis you knocked back last weekend. It’s the fault of that media whore from California, Carrie Prejean. The new official spokeshussy/spokesmartyr for “opposite marriage” has been hitting the airwaves with a vengeance, and kvetching to anyone who will listen about how she was robbed of her Miss USA title and persecuted for her beliefs.  Don’t you feel sorry for the actual pageant winner — who was Miss North Carolina Kristen Dalton, by the way? She does everything right, beats out the competition in every category, and then gets buried by Xena the San Diego Culture Warrior Princess and her faux martyrdom on Access Hollywood and the 24 hour news networks. I would be so pissed!

You would have to be living in a cave to not know about the media crap storm surrounding Miss California Carrie Prejean’s rustic response to Perez Hilton concerning gay marriage at this year’s Miss USA pageant. There are so many things wrong with this entire situation that I feel the need to number or bullet point each item.

Numero 1) Perez freaking Hilton? Judging the Miss USA Pageant … SERIOUSLY? That’s like having a vegan judging the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island. 2) Asking a beauty pageant contestant a serious, probing, culturally relevant question completely betrays the shallow vacuousness that pageants have been cultivating in young women for decades. It shows a total disrespect for the “Hi, I’m a vacant yet classy bimbo in an evening gown, so watch me promenade now before I start doing _Maxim_ covers and soft core porn” hotness that Donald Trump and his organization are trying to mass market and profit from. And let’s face it, muffins, it’s only a matter of time until the Miss USA Pageant allows stripper poles in the talent competition. Item 3) It’s 2009 and we still have “beauty” pageants? Didn’t the women’s movement gain anything from the civil rights/E.R.A. struggles of the 70s?

Uggh. Somebody get me a Xanax and a Wendy’s Baconator before I slap someone.

But here’s the real source of my outrage, pumpkins. Prior to competing nationally, Carrie Prejean got performance-enhancing breast implants authorized and paid for by the Miss California Beauty Pageant organizers!

Seriously, she gets fake chi-chis that go along with her title. Can you even IMAGINE that conversation? “Congrats for winning Miss California darling, here’s your sash, your title, your tiara, and your titties. Enjoy!” Meanwhile, in pro-baseball Manny Ramirez is fined eight million bucks for using a performing-enhancing substance.

Where’s the fairness and equity in that double standard? Miss “Jesus wants me for a sunbeam” Prejean adds a few pounds of saline boobage and gets to happily bounce her new bazongas down the runway, while Manny gets shut out of baseball for 50 games, a huge fine and the haunting self knowledge that his testicles are shrinking. What a load of hypocritical bull!

Ciao, babies.

You can see Ruby Ridge live and in person at 3rd Friday Bingo (every Third Friday of the Month at 7:00 p.m.) at First Baptist Church, 777 S 1300 E in Salt Lake City. You can check out her appearances and schedule at May’s bingo on Friday 15th benefits Yeehaw, a local non-profit that works with disabled kids and uses horses and horse riding for therapy. How cool is that?!


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