So darlings, the New Year’s diet has barely begun and I’m already feeling cranky (Editor’s note: Technically, Ruby, “cranky” is a baseline for you, so I think the word you’re looking for is “crankier”).
After a rather sedentary fall and winter, I have packed on a few pounds. So, I decided it was time to cowgirl up and shed a few. I’m not rushing into any drastic, life-altering, cleansing, purging Hollywood diet or anything. I’m just doing a few little lifestyle changes that should benefit my overall health, and keep me away from Obama’s Socialist Death Panels for a while (oh I kid, I kid, so don’t fire up the flaming emails, you Stonewall Dems.).
Here’s my plan. Step one: I have switched from Pop Tarts to Toaster Strudels. I know what you’re thinking, petals: What’s the difference between a Pop Tart and a Toaster Strudel? Well, at first blush, it might not be obvious to the untrained eye because the calories and fat contents are about the same. But with Toaster Strudels you have to go through the extra steps of opening up the little cream cheese icing doohickey and spreading the icing over the warm strudel MANUALLY! That burns calories, petals, so in my world, that makes Toaster Strudels a health food.
The second step in my New Year makeover involves getting a slimming haircut. I’ve decided to swap out my Blagojevich Bob with its full, round shape and sweeping bangs for a utilitarian, face-slimming mullet. For years I wondered why our retro lesbian sisters were so enamored with the short on the sides and long in the back mullet clip, but now I know, cherubs: It takes pounds off your face and makes your double chin look like a NASCAR spoiler. I’m feeling lighter and faster already!
To accentuate the face-lengthening effect of my haircut, I am tossing out all of my oversized big girl earrings (you know, my neon skoosh balls, the bunches of plastic grapes and so on) for long, vertical chandelier styles that drape down the sides of my face. Unfortunately, I shopped until I was blue in the face and most places just had these cheesy Jennifer Lopez/Shakira/1970s Cher kinds of things that just don’t work with my sturdy, rubenesque frame. Luckily, I found some wind chimes in the garden aisle of the dollar store, and they seem to work quite nicely. The two foot long, shiny aluminum tubes highlight and frame my face. Plus, you can hear me coming, going, turning corners and backing up from blocks away. I not only look fabulous, but I should get an award for improving public safety as well.
The last thing on my new healthy regimen is exercise. This is a must to strengthen muscles, promote flexibility and tone and improve cardiovascular fitness. So in a fit of New Year’s resolve, I removed my IKEA shower caddy and placed my beauty essentials on the floor of my shower. That way, no matter how hectic my schedule is, I have to bend down and stretch at least three times in one day. That’s once for my body wash, once for my shampoo, and then once for my conditioner. I know; exhausting, right? I can already feel the burn by the time I have to pick up my coconut scented Suave conditioner, but my personal trainer says it should get easier as my muscles adapt and/or the bottles become emptier. I’m telling you, cupcakes, it may just be a placebo effect, but I swear I can feel the results already. Next week, I’m thinking of upping my reps by putting my loofah on the shower floor as well. Its crazy, pumpkins, but this fitness thing has just got me setting all sorts of goals. So wish me luck!
You can see Ruby Ridge and the Matrons of Mayhem performing live, in all of their politically incorrect polyester glory every third Friday of the month at Third Friday Bingo (First Baptist Church, 777 S. 1300 East in SLC at 7 p.m.). In February they are raising funds for Intermountain Therapy Animals.