Darlings, there is a horrible condition running rampant through the Salt Lake Valley that we need to discuss. No, I’m not talking about the resurgence of syphilis (although maybe we should … ); I’m talking about an appalling blight that seems to be spreading like wildfire among our hetero neighbors.
For want of a better name I’m calling it H.G.U.W Syndrome, or Hot Guy, Ugly Wife Syndrome. I’m sure you have all seen one or two examples of this devastating condition over the years, but cherubs, last weekend, I saw THREE — yes, THREE — separate incidences of smoking hot slabs of beefcake chained to horrible, bitchy, obnoxious women. It was a sickening sight, cherubs. One that I need to bleach my eyes to truly wash away.
I first noticed this disturbing phenomenon a few years back when I saw this tall, drop dead gorgeous guy in a National Guard uniform at the supermarket being absolutely harangued by his overweight, overbearing and under made-up wife. I was gobsmacked! This guy could get any woman (and probably a disproportionate number of men) he wanted. Yet there he was, getting whipped in public by Wifezilla. I had to ask myself, pumpkins: Why would he put up with that crap? Where is the justice? Where is the cosmic respect for symmetry? You see, long ago I made peace with the idea that hot guy goes with hot girl (or another hot guy), the planets revolve around the sun, and the universe remains in synch. But this Hot Guy, Ugly Wife combination is a crime against nature and completely upsets my fragile worldview. To quote Fred Phelps, “it’s an abomination!”
Now, I know I’m going to get all sorts of emails about being fat phobic, sexist, hateful and whatever. But seriously cupcakes, I just can’t wrap my head around this, or find the polite words to express myself. So I’m going with this: THESE WOMEN ARE EVIL HATEFUL BITCHES! And if you don’t believe me, just ask my misunderstood B.F.F. Mel Gibson.
So far, this is the only way I’ve found to make ANY sense out of this: A) These women were previously hot, but eight pregnancies; ten years of church assignments; and a losing fight with Lays Potato Chips and gravity, have taken their toll; or B)The stud muffin in question got Princess Shrek pregnant at an early age and was shot gunned into a visually disturbing marriage of parental convenience. I could be wrong, so I’m still open for other explanations.
On the bright side, though, if these muscular beefaronis are trapped in loveless “opposite” marriages to evil, unhappy, unappreciative shrews, then the jump over to gay dark side might be fairly easy, and I should think about recruiting. Hmmm, maybe I should make brochures!
Anyway, after seeing the hunky guy at Lowes on Sunday with the obnoxious wife who looked like Roseanne Barr (before she had money and underwire bras), I’m thinking that even Hot Guy and Hot Gay Mess would still be a vast improvement for most of these manwiches.
You can see Ruby Ridge and the Matrons of Mayhem in all of their polyester glory at Third Friday Bingo (every third Friday of the month at 7 p.m.) at First Baptist Church, 777 S. 1300 East.