Ruby Ridge

Porn free!

So petals, it’s been over a month since New Year and I have to inquire on how your New Year’s resolutions are holding up? For me, my goal to eat more vegetables imploded after about five days, and now I’m at that stage of denial where I can justify chicken fried steak smothered in country gravy simply because it has peppercorns in it.

That method of alleviating cognitive dissonance may not come naturally to untrained thinkers like you cherubs, but under the universal principles of Ruby Ridge logic, it’s a very easy and fun-filled linear-ish progression. Peppercorns come from plants…some plants are vegetables…vegetables are good for you…therefore any dish with peppercorns should be tax-deductible under the new Federal health care provisions…which in my fevered mind makes a Country Skillet essentially health food. There! Crisis of conscience averted! Pass the peppered bacon.

Speaking of breakfast, kittens, I was reading an editorial in the Deseret News this morning (and seriously, can’t we all just admit that since their media consolidation/news purge that the newspaper is just one giant editorial at this point?) that Marriott International has finally eliminated selling on-demand porn in their 600,000 rooms. The authors were doing victory laps and cartwheels about the group’s decision as proof of a blow back against pornography and the power of morally directed boycotts. But they conveniently glossed over the main point of supply-and-demand. Why would anyone pay $15 or whatever for hotel porn when you can get internet porn for free? In this modern, connected world, Joe Q Businessman can access all the SWILF (Sister Wives I’d like to F*#%) action they can handle via their laptop and a WiFi connection, without all of the embarrassing line items and taxes billed to their checkout summary. I’m sure Marriott’s demand for porn plummeted as the invisible lubed hand of the free market prevailed (although I’m pretty sure their fixed costs for Kleenex and clean towels probably stayed about the same!).

You know me, petals, I see a conspiracy behind every grassy knoll and book depository, so I wasn’t surprised to hear Marriott’s decision came just two weeks after Mitt Romney (perennial Presidential candidate and fierce hairspray advocate) resigned from the Board of Marriott International. Timely coincidence, pumpkins? I doubt it. I think the Mittster is tying up all the loose ends that could damage his chances in the primary voting, especially with those mouthy Christian Moralists that already don’t trust him for being a Mormon. I on the other hand have never trusted him since he flooded Rice Eccles Stadium with those creepy Children of Light and those glowing bowling ball bags of the Salt Lake Winter Games…almost a decade later I’m still wondering exactly what the hell was that!). But I digress… .

My other New Year’s goal was to work out more and do some cardio. Since Jan. 1, I have been doing my Spin classes religiously, and by religiously I mean praying to God that I don’t have a cardiac arrest somewhere between the sprints and the cool down. Maybe it’s just my odd physiology, but those bikes just don’t accommodate my voluptuous Ruebenesque curves, or my ball sack if we are being brutally honest. I think I would do better if my bike had a tractor seat. And while we are on the topic of ergonomics and product design, why the hell can’t those smart-ass designers add a tray to the drink carrier? I’m tired of bringing my own clip on Sonic Burger tray to Spin class just to hold my French fries. Good luck with your resolutions, babies! Ciao!

You can see Ruby Ridge and the Matrons of Mayhem in all of their polyester glory at Third Friday Bingo (every Third Friday of the month at 7pm) at First Baptist Church (777 South 1300 East).

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