Ruby Ridge

Ruby Ridge: Speedos and the decline of civilization

Darlings, my darkest suspicions have been confirmed. I have always believed that Speedos are the work of the devil, and now apparently the LDS Church agrees with me. Did you read Jesse Fruhwirth’s article in City Weekly about the former LDS Church employee who was fired because he would not disassociate with his gay friends? Apparently his moral decline was purely due to his involvement with QUAC (the righteously super gay swim group) and the fact that he frequented gay bingo with the Cyber Sluts. I know, I know! THE HORROR!!!

I have always admired the kids from QUAC for their athletic prowess, discipline and healthy social camaraderie, in much the same way that I respect vegetarians and karaoke. It’s a great idea in theory, and to each his own, but there is no way in hell that I personally am ever going to do it. Well that’s not true. The day they make a swim cap big enough for my Loretta Lynn up-do and barrel curls, I will gladly swim a few laps for Jesus.

My aversion to Speedos (outside of Europe) is that the people wearing them are way too skinny, and too healthy-looking. I find that appalling, kittens. I don’t want to see some skinny princess with an eating disorder wearing a Speedo! I want to see a big ole’ hairy heifer stuffed in there, jiggly bits and all, with enough butt-crack showing that you could use his butt cheeks to bookend a phone book. Is that too much to ask for, kittens? No, I don’t think so.

Anyway back to Drew Call, the poor LDS Church employee who was sacked for being too gay-friendly. Here he is, a divorced father of two, looking for a job in this crap economy, all because his Stake president thought he was too accepting of the gay folk and wouldn’t renew his temple recommend (which you have to have to be an LDS Church employee). My heart goes out to him and his family.
To be fair though, kittens, I can understand the Stake president’s concerns. If you are raised in a church that actively condemns gay people, and you are “struggling” with “same-sex attractions” and you are carrying all of your LDS guilt and fear baggage, then being around happy, self confident and well adjusted gay athletes is sort of like me working in a donut shop. Sooner or later the inventory is going to take a hit. I’m just saying.

Now, without being judgmental, I have to advise Mr. Call. I have seen your photograph darling and you are, what we in the gay biz call, a bear. Palling around with the QUAC twinkthletes must make a nice change from the ward’s basketball team, but you really do need to be with your own kind while you are going through this emotionally confusing transitional period. May I suggest you go to a Wednesday night Bear Coffee, or Bear Brunch (info at UtahBears.com)?

You can still uphold the Word of Wisdom if you order a hot chocolate, although for the love of god, don’t get a flavored shot in it like amaretto or tiramisu because that is really, really gay and even I would pull your temple recommend. Or better yet, come to Third Friday Bingo at First Baptist Church.

Unlike the soul-destroying and morally depraved Cyber Slut Bingo (which is held at 7 p.m. on the second Friday of the month at the Fraternal Order of Eagles, 1104 W. 2100 South … a tawdry bar of ill repute in Glendale, right next to the toxic Jordan River on the dangerous and badly-lit west side of town), we hold our fun, virtuous, family-friendly bingo on the white and delightful east side of town in a church. So you get all of the fun and homo-eroticism with none of the guilt. Win, win!

And unlike the rest of the Cyber Sluts, I, Ruby Ridge, can personally assure Mr. Call and his micro-managing ecclesiastical leaders, that at Third Friday Bingo, all of our tattoos are spelled correctly and they can be read while we are standing up. We’re just classier that way.

Ciao, babies!

You can see Ruby Ridge and the Matrons of Mayhem in all of their polyester glory at Third Friday Bingo (every third Friday of the month at 7pm) at First Baptist Church (777 S. 1300 East). This month we are raising funds for the Ogden Chapter of PFLAG (Parents & Friends of Lesbians and Gays). We’ll save a seat for you Drew! – RUBY

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