Ruby Ridge

Ruby Ridge: Art, for Hell’s sake!

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Well hello, petals! How is your summer going now that the gorgeous weather is finally here? I have been frantically busy puttering around in my yard, but I did take a few hours off last weekend to have a blast at the Utah Arts Festival, or as I like to think of it as “General Conference for Hipsters.”

Yes, muffins, it’s the one time of the year that Salt Lake City’s hippies, arties, and counter-culture types mingle together in broad daylight, wearing their most artiest outfits and ironic T-shirts, and pretending to be interested in lithography and hip hop. Seriously, cherubs, I haven’t seen that much feigned interest since the FIFA World Cup Soccer Finals.

But posers aside, it’s always fun to crowd watch and I invariably have a great time at the Arts Festival. So, Ruby, how do you achieve that sort of zen-like calm in the midst of the crowds, the heat, the noise and the chaos? Well, pumpkins, I am glad you asked.  I go the Arts Festival more prepared than a Boy Scout packing lube!  I am impervious to sun due to my extra wide sunhat, and I wear my signature fragrance, “Repulsion,” by Ruby Ridge (which is a provocative mix of sun block and mosquito repellent, with just a hint of hand sanitizer to add floral tones). To combat fatigue I wear sensible flats (no heels, no wigs, no bras), and most importantly to avoid a complete mental breakdown, I only go to the Arts Festival with people that won’t park their asses in the beer garden and drink until they think they are funny or that they can merengue. I don’t know about you, cherubs, but a few simple precautions always makes for a good time.

I do, however, have one slightly snarky observation about this year’s culture fest: Why were most of the really obnoxious douche wads wearing Fedoras and talking like Moon Zappa from the 1980s? I swear to God, I heard one guy say “Bro … that’s rad!” Did the Poser Union send out a text memo to flash mob the place? Well, I have some unsolicited advice for those suburban hipsters from Sandy and Bountiful, unless you are Britney; a Britney impersonator; in the cast of Mad Men; or a trombone player in the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, then NO, you don’t ever get to wear a Fedora in public! EVAH!!! Inappropriately worn Fedoras need to burn in design hell along with turtlenecks, super-sized rodeo belts and those sparkly sweat shirts with kittens and dice on them from casino gift shops. Phew, I just needed to get that off my chest. All better!

For me the festival is the one time of the year that I get to eat Navajo tacos. I know, I know, there are all sorts of restaurants and vendors that sell awesome Navajo tacos every single day, but for some reason I never think about them until suddenly I get industrial strength munchies at the Arts Festival where a small portion of dough, lettuce, sour cream and three or four beans costs about nine bucks and I absolutely have to have one now!

I also get to see people at the Arts Festival that I never get to see otherwise. I ran into Nikki Boyer who mentioned she will be running for Jackie Biskupski’s former seat in the legislature. I am soooo stoked! Because A) I have known her for years and just worship her, and B) In a face-off between her and Carl Wimmer, she will kick his chubby little tea-party ass into the next time zone! Nikki has never been one to “suffer fools gladly” and I absolutely love that sort of no bullshit attitude. The legislature could use a heck of a lot more of it.

Anyhow, Petals, plan on joining me at the Utah Arts Festival next year. I’ll be the one who looks like Bindi Irwin with a beard, smelling of DEET. It’ll be fun! Ciao, babies!

You can see Ruby Ridge and the Matrons of Mayhem in all of their polyester glory at Third Friday Bingo every Third Friday of the month at 7 p.m. at First Baptist Church (777 S. 1300 East)

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