Ruby Ridge

Stage fright

Guten morgen meine Damen und Herren! Here it is, the morning after I went to the State Fair and I am still feeling stuffed. Between the corn dogs, pecan fudge and pretzel sticks, my moderate portions and healthy diet got blown back into the Dark Ages. (Full disclosure: the Large Combination platter for dinner at La Frontera didn’t help either!) And for those of you who went to the State Fair, please testify for me, that you could smell that rotisserie Hawaiian chicken barbeque across the entire fairgrounds. OMG it smelled so good! I really wanted some, but I had a sneaking suspicion that their BBQ chicken platter was the reason there were no fourth, fifth or sixth place ribbons handed out in the poultry hall!

While we were waiting in line at the caramel apple/fudge booth, we saw the funniest damn thing, kittens. There were several serious looking Tea Party types in their patriotic red, white and blue ball caps (probably made in either China, Vietnam or Honduras) who had a booth pushing an immigration reform initiative slash something, something, something, about American jobs. I couldn’t help noticing the irony, considering their booth was entirely surrounded by Asian and Hispanic vendors selling knock-off handbags, glass sculptures and designer “ish” fragrances, and the bulk of their spectators came from the same exotic demographics. But every now and then when a Caucasian couple or family would pass by, these signature signers would bolt out of their booth, clipboard in hand and solicit support for their petition. As soon as they were done with their pitch, they would dart back into the safety of their eight-by-eight booth like reef fish hiding from predators under coral clusters. I have to say it was pretty damn entertaining to watch.

The reason we were at the State Fair was to watch the Salt Lake Men’s Choir perform on the main stage. What a compliment to the choir that they would be considered at such a mainstream public event, on Sept. 11 no less. We had tickets in the second row which would have been lovely if we were at Abravanel or Kingsbury Hall, or the Capitol Theatre but, petals, we were right under the front lighting trusses, and after the Ohio State Fair tragedy and other recent stage collapses I was a little hyper-sensitized. All right, all right, I admit I was just downright paranoid. I told my friends well before the show that if there was the slightest breeze you would just see a high-pitched screaming blur as I sprinted to the shelter of the Rabbit Barn.

The concert went really well (despite the fair organizers removing the piano to another venue leaving the choir scrambling to find a last-minute replacement which unfortunately had a percussion function that was possessed by the devil!). Halfway through the concert the winds picked up, and looking to the south, the sky was ominously dark. I was getting nervous and started planning in my mind how I could jump over the little old lady with the walker two seats down from me. (Don’t judge me, cherubs, she had obviously had a long and fulfilling life already.) Then part of the acoustic shell blew down behind the choir. It was pretty clear, as the strong micro burst winds cleared the stage, that even God hates the choir’s version of “Vogue.” Unfortunately, the rest of the show was cancelled due to the weather, so I hope people will make an effort to see the choir at their next performance which is a fundraising benefit for the Gay Assault Victims at First Baptist Church on Sunday, Sept. 25. For the record, I will gladly donate 50 bucks if they don’t, “strike a pose,” maybe more if they use coconuts and Lone Ranger masks on their “William Tell Overture.” Ciao, Babies!

You can see Ruby Ridge and the Matrons of Mayhem in all of their polyester glory at Third Friday Bingo (every Third Friday of the month at 7 p.m.) at First Baptist Church (777 S. 1300 E. in Salt Lake City). 

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