Gay Agenda

Muchachos guapo and other tasty dishes

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My lesbian friends, Chelle and Donna, recently acquired a cute-ass dachshund puppy; they named her Frankie (lesbians are so incredibly creative). Frankie is now around 13 weeks old, and she has a great personality and healthy stool — hey, that’s important for pups! Anyhoo, we as juvenile adults continue to make jokes like: “Let me hold your wiener,” and “Ouch, your wiener just bit me!” Once, my mildly unstable friend Jake said, “Watch me put the entire head of your wiener in my mouth.” And he proceeded to do so. On the other hand, it’s encouraging that lesbians actually can like wieners and that they will use baby-talk with them.

3friday — Ririe-Woodbury Dance Company presents Kaleidoscope, a fascinating celebration of the magical choreography of Alwin Nikolais. Giant elastic bands that define space give form to the piece “Tensile Involvement”; “Noumenon” fascinates as dancers move in strict unison, creating dynamic forms while completely enshrouded in silver bags; Frolicking, garish clowns set the stage in excerpts from “Gallery”; “Kaleidoscope” brings dancers balancing on discs and poles, and men hanging precariously in space; and “Clothes,” a statement on fashion, features outlandish costumes changed on a whim by the characters on stage.
7pm, through Saturday, Capitol Theatre, 50 W. 200 South. Tickets $30, 801-355-ARTS or

In case you’re not aware … but I can’t see how you wouldn’t be — he wears his homosexuality like a sandwich board on his shoulders — Jerry Rapier, producing director of Plan-B Theatre, directs the University of Utah’s gripping production of Elmer Rice’s The Adding Machine. Mr. Zero, a neurotic, number-crunching accountant, works every day at a monotonous job where he’s exploited. When the company he’s faithfully worked at for 25 years gives him the boot, replacing him with a machine, Mr. Zero goes berserk and kills his boss. He is hanged for his crime, but the afterlife proves to be something better and unexpected. (BTW, I love Jerry as a person, and I have boundless respect for his work.)
7:30pm, through Feb. 12, Babcock Theatre, 300 S. 1400 East, UofU, Tickets $7.50–20, 801-581-7100 or

The fourth play in the Bandito series by Cache Valley, Utah native T.J. Davis is Who Shot Juanito Bandito?, presented by Bear Lake’s Pickleville Playhouse. Bandito, the self-proclaimed “most guapo villain in the world,” is only one heist away from completing his quest to rob every bank in the U.S., cementing his reputation as the baddest bad guy in history. Standing in his way is a self-absorbed Lawman, a hard-working cowboy hero, and a devastatingly beautiful English reporter.
7:30pm, through Saturday, Jeanne Wagner Theatre, Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. Broadway. Tickets $14.75–18, 801-355-ARTS or

In the new flick Shame, starring the intriguing Michael Fassbender, a New York man’s carefully-cultivated private life, based around his compulsive sex addiction (ooooo! Sounds like my hubby David Duchovny, whom I finally met for the first time a few days ago at the Sundance Film Festival), begins to unravel after his younger sister moves in with him.
Opens today, times vary, Broadway Centre Cinemas, 111 E. Broadway, Tickets $6.25–8.75,

6monday — Last October the indie, alt-pop band Parachute played to a sold-out crowd. So, here is another chance to check them out if you missed them last time. This quintet of sexy guys, and longtime friends from Virginia, have such hits as “Kiss Me Slowly” and “She Is Love.”
7:30pm, In The Venue at Club Sound, 219 S. 600 West. Tickets $16 adv/$18 day of show, 801-467-8499 or

9thursday — Before a show gets a million-dollar set, a full orchestra pit and souvenir T-shirts, it starts with dialogue, songs and movement on a bare stage with minimal costumes. The Salty Cricket Composers Collective presents Broadway Bound?, an intimate setting for new opera and musical theatre scenes. The evening consists of fully memorized and blocked scenes from new and in-progress musicals and operas by Utah composers, and performed by a company of five local actor/singer/dancers and pianist.
7:30pm Black Box Theatre, Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. Broadway. Tickets $15, 801-355-ARTS or

14tuesday — On this special sweetheart day, take him or her to see the fabulous group, Lady Antebellum. The six-time Grammy-winning, country-pop trio returns to Salt Lake on their Own The Night Tour. I’m sure you’ll hear such lovelorn songs as “I Run To You” and “Need You Now.” Happy Valentine’s Day, and I hope you all get that long overdue piece of ass tonight!
7pm, Energy Solutions Arena, 301 W. South Temple. Tickets $25–76.50, 801-467-8499 or

15wednesday — Salt Lake Acting Company proudly welcomes to its stage Sister Dottie S. Dixon for the world premiere of Dottie — The Sister Lives On! In this new play directed by Robin Wilks-Dunn, Sister Dottie weaves in and out of direct contact with the audience and her BFF, Dartsey, exchanging hilarious stories and touching life lessons. With the use of multimedia and human contact, Sister Dottie will take audiences on an unforgettable journey.
Hours vary, through Mar. 4, Salt Lake Acting Company, 168 W. 500 North. Tickets $23–41, 801-363-7522 or

There are few things sexier than a “guapo” Spaniard in a mask, wielding his sword … yes, that’s a euphemism. Anyhoo, Hale Centre Theatre presents Zorro The Musical. Written as a prequel to the original story, the musical is set in California and Spain. Years after being shipped off to Spain by his father, Don Diego (Zorro), a gypsy, returns to California at the insistence of his childhood love Luisa to end the tyranny of Ramon, captain of the Spanish army. During this show, you certainly won’t be getting any zzzz! Get it? Ha!
7:30pm, through Apr. 11, Hale Centre Theatre, 3333 S. Decker Lake Dr. Tickets $15–28, 801-984-9000 or

Mar. 20
Kelly Clarkson
Maverik Ctr
Apr. 19
Ingrid Michaelson
In The Venue
Jul. 5
Foster The People
Aug. 4-5
“8” The Play (reading)
Rose Wagner Center

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