By the time you read this, Valentine’s Day will have passed. By the time I wrote it, because of my deadline, Valentine’s Day had not yet arrived. But let me say, after the fact, that I’d been preparing for this annual day for lovers by exercising my prostate daily, bleaching my ear hair, and I finally dug out the ball of belly lint — which eerily resembled Lamb Chop — from my navel. I was ready and willing to say “fuck that” to abstinence-only education and find me a teaching man, like Sue Sylvester, on Valentine’s Day. So, unless you heard a shrilly voice on V-day screeching “Abort, abort!” then it stands to reason that I had a reproductive night.
16thursday — Test your news knowledge at a live taping of Wait, Wait… Don’t Tell Me!, NPR’s weekly quiz program. Take a fast-paced, irreverent look at the news of the world — and the weird. For instance, should it be considered prostitution to pay someone to spit in your face for sexual gratification? If so, then I would be called the Madam Dalai Llama. Anyhoo, the show mines news stories for quick-thinking questions that keep you guessing what’s real and what’s not. Join award-winning host Peter Sagal and a lineup of witty panelists for an entertaining look at current events.
8pm, Abravanel Hall, 123 W. South Temple. Tickets $50–60, 801-355-ARTS or arttix.org.
17friday— In the afterglow of V-Day, Pioneer Theatre Company presents the romantic comedy, Emma. Adapted from the novel by the beloved Jane Austen, the show follows young, headstrong Emma Woodhouse who believes she has a special talent for matchmaking; but where the affections of others and her own heart are concerned, she is exasperatingly but charmingly clueless. Love in the 18th century — the same era that I was last struck by Cupid’s quivering arrow — is brought vividly to life in this enchanting story.
7:30pm, through Mar. 3, Pioneer Theatre, 300 S. 1400 East, UofU. Tickets $25–44, 801-581-6961 or pioneertheatre.org.
Utah Symphony presents an evening of Rachmaninoff & Beethoven — no, it’s not a cocktail party featuring the new beet-flavored vodka! But … yuummm, right? Anyhoo, conductor Thierry Fischer and pianist André Watts pair up for Stravinsky’s “Scherzo à la Russe,” Rachmaninoff’s “Piano Concerto No. 2” and Beethoven’s “Symphony No. 4.” Trust me, you will be moved to lightheadedness without the purple tongue.
8pm, through Saturday, Abravanel Hall, 123 W. South Temple. Tickets $20–70, 801-355-ARTS or arttix.org.
21tuesday — It’s Fat Tuesday, so look out for Josh Jones (QSaltLake’s newest edition to its sales team) barreling through the streets in tight, gold lamé swim trunks and Mardi Gras beads … that’s freakin’ hot! Celebrate the last day of Carnival at your favorite watering hole like Club Try-Angles, which is hosting a Mardi Gras Party, and the “Big Easy” herself, Wilma Holehurt, will be serving up jambalaya — it’ll make anybody’s hole hurt, just warnin’.
7pm, Club Try-Angles, 251 W. 900 South. For more info, call 801-364-3203.
23thursday — Pygmalion Theatre Company presents Seven, the true accounts of seven women from around the globe — Russia, Pakistan, Nigeria, Northern Ireland, Afghanistan, Guatemala, and Cambodia — who are overcoming injustice in their countries, often at great risk to themselves. “What’s frightening is that the seven women represent the fates of so many others around the world. Yet the hopeful aspect is that the women are strong, courageous, driven and irrepressibly stubborn. The documentary play hits you in the guts time and again, engendering a kind of strength that both grows inwardly and expands outwardly.”
7:30pm, through Mar. 11, Black Box Theatre, Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. Broadway. Tickets $20, 801-355-ARTS or arttix.org.
24friday — Utah Symphony presents an evening with Steve Lippia, a prominent, in-demand vocalist and “one of the finest interpreters of the great American classic standards and adult contemporary pop music in the nation,” as he does Simply Sinatra. At the helm will be the lovely Jerry Steichen. This weekend, reminisce through the music of Ol’ Blues Eyes.
8pm, through Saturday, Abravanel Hall, 123 W. South Temple. Tickets $27–85, 801-355-ARTS or arttix.org.
25saturday — FYI, this is the season’s final Big Gay Fun Bus to West Wendover and the theme is Tardi Mardi Gras. So clad yourself in purple, gold and green and join headmattress Ruby Ridge for fabulous travel gaming. But be forewarned, she’ll be giving out anal beads — I mean mardi gras beads — like sacrament bread when you call out “Bingo!”
11:45am–9pm, pick up at Club Try-Angles, 251 W. 900 South. Tickets $25, 801-649-6663 or biggayfunbus.com.
The Joe Goode Performance Group has created a genre of dance theater — combining text, gestures, humor and deeply physical, high velocity dancing with an emphasis on understanding, compassion and tolerance among people. Performing The Rambler, a full-length piece that is part Clint Eastwood and part Siddhartha — Oh Buddha, the offspring! — the performance will not just entertain but will also provoke and inspire.
7:30pm, Kingsbury Hall, 1395 E. Presidents Circle, UofU. Tickets $19.50–29.50, 801-581-7100 or kingtix.com.
26sunday — The Utah AIDS Foundation once again rolls out the red carpet for its annual Oscar Night® America Gala fundraiser. Favored one of the hippest parties of the year, all of Utah’s fresh and fabulous will be in attendance: Me and my 334 Facebook Friends … I used to have 799, but many were not pleased with the distraught sheep on my wall. KMN! Anyhoo, Voodoo Productions will provide entertainment, and scrumptious food will be served by Le Croissant Catering and Gastronomy.
5pm, The Rail Event Center, 235 N. 500 West. Tickets $120, 801-487-2323 or utahaids.org.
The State Room
In The Venue
Peppermill Concert Hall, Wendover
Foster The People
“8” The Play (a reading)
Rose Wagner Center