Ruby Ridge

Heavenly bodies?

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Happy Spring Solstice, muffins!

Recently, Mercury, Jupiter, Venus and Mars aligned in a rare celestial event, but this was nothing, petals, compared to what will happen April 1. All of the original Madams of the Utah Cyber Sluts (and their various in-bred off-spring) have pulled together to put on a show – “Plastered, A Decade of Glitter in your Face!” at 8 p.m., Sunday, April 1, at the Paper Moon to benefit the International Gay Rodeo Association.

Now, for those of you too young to remember back to when the Cyber Sluts actually performed shows and didn’t just host bingo every three-and-a-half days, take my word for it: this a monumental event. The mathematical odds of getting any two Cyber Slut Madams in the same room is astronomical, but to get somewhere near 11 of us in the same place at the same time is simply mind-numbing (and trust me, kittens, if “Beneatha Serta” Madam No. 3 wears one of her short, clingy outfits of yesteryear at her advanced age, your mind will definitely be numbed!)

A lot of the credit for this glittery reunion goes to “Lucky Charms” who served as the original Madam No. 1 of the Cyber Sluts. Officially, the show coincides with the 10th anniversary of her reign, but in my mind, it probably has more to do with the Mayan calendar running out and civilization ending as we know it. Oh, speaking of cosmic catastrophes, that reminds me … Madam No.  4, Chevy Suburban, will be performing in the show.

This time capsule of tackiness will feature quite a few of the classic Cyber Slut group numbers which we are frantically rehearsing even as this edition goes to press, including some of our more notorious, politically incorrect, small group numbers that cannot be shared outside of a restricted, 21-and-over venue. We even have one of our original lesbian members performing (yes kiddies, there were actually real women in the Cyber Sluts at one time – with real boobies, not Nerf footballs!).

Now, I know some of you are thinking “but Ruby (that’s Madam No. 5 to you), wasn’t there some angst between you and some of the other Sluts,” and to be perfectly truthful, yes there kind of was. But despite all of the gay community gossip and the drunken bar talk which exponentially exaggerated things, our minor disagreements never really reached the magnitude of Israel versus Palestine, or Coke versus Pepsi. They were just your typical personality-driven squabbles and bouts of huffiness, where I was perfectly blameless, virtuous and kind, while some of the other Madams, without naming names, were just hateful, bloated, irritable hags. Oh that reminds me, Madam No. 9, Fonda Dixx, will also be performing at “Plastered.”  I just can wait! (Note to editor … no, that wasn’t a typo).

“Lucky Charms” and I were at Try-Angles the other night reminiscing the good old days of the Cyber Sluts, and we were trying to add up how much money the Sluts and the Matrons have raised for local charities over the last decade. We eventually gave up, because like counting the stars, we simply lost count. Whatever the total is though, it’s a hell of a lot. Oh, and speaking of stars, Madam No. 2, Andromeda Strange, is reprising her infamous Star Trek/Fifth Element number. So be afraid, cherubs, be very afraid.

Ciao, Babies!

You can see Ruby Ridge and the Matrons of Mayhem in all of their polyester glory, every third Friday of the month at Third Friday Bingo at 7 p.m., First Baptist Church, 777 S. 1300 East; or Dinner and Bingo every second and fourth Sunday of the month at the Fraternal Order of Eagles in West Valley City, 5-8 p.m., which includes dinner, don’t cha know!

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