by Steven and Michael-John Bristow
Let’s discuss a question that has weighed heavily on the minds of many of my heterosexual homies: Why do people turn gay? This is a difficult and sensitive topic for many gay folk. Allow me to clarify by sharing my own journey down the rainbow road of homosexuality.
You see, at a very young age I found myself plagued with a powerful biological urge to poop. No one sees anything peculiar about this urge, so nobody ever told me it was wicked, an urge for which I would be damned, so I very happily pooped whenever I saw fit. Sometimes I even took the time to enjoy its sweet relief.
Upon the arrival of puberty I found myself plagued with new things: hair where no hair grew before, pimples where before there was only undefiled alabaster skin, and a mighty biological urge to rid myself of the enormous sperm armies my body produced on an hourly basis. While those around me considered pooping—and even the enjoyment thereof—perfectly acceptable, I was taught that masturbation was evil and enjoying it … well, that was evil cubed.
What does this have to do with being gay, you might ask? While I learned very early that masturbation was evil, no one informed me that it was so evil it would also turn me gay! Every time I released the fruit of my evil loins into a sock, shower drain or banana peel, I not only grew in my evilness, but became a tiny bit gayer.
I suppose, however, that I cannot blame masturbation for all my gayness. Try as I might, no matter how many torrents of loin fruit I released from my mighty scrotum, a little bit of straight still remained. There must have been something else … ah yes, I remember. One day I woke up and I thought to myself, “I want to be different from everyone around me, because being different is fun! People always make sure the different one is accepted, beloved and showered with kindness. I also enjoy being told that I am an abomination to God! And hey, life wouldn’t be a challenge if my country granted me the same rights under the law as straight people! Second-class citizenship worked so well for blacks and women that I’d be a fool not to want it for myself.” Reflecting upon how greatly the benefits outweighed the costs, I simply made the decision one day to be completely gay. I changed my sexual orientation with a mere thought, just like you could change yours if you chose. It’s as easy as changing clothes!
There are many benefits to being gay. For example, I get to destroy the very fabric of society and the family! Why, my daily planner for this very day reads as follows:
Destroy fabric of society
Dance to Lady Gaga like a little fairy boy
Ponder upon depth of own depravity
Sing songs about rainbows and butt sex
Sleep. GAY SLEEP, which is totally different from normal people sleep
But how, precisely, does one go about destroying society? First, I take the hope of a monogamous relationship, add to it my desire for a nice house and perfectly manicured lawn, and wrap it all up with the dream of adopting a child or two and saving them from the drastically overcrowded foster-care system. It’s a recipe for complete and utter disaster, I know! It’s dripping with so much evil that Hitler just had an orgasm. Doing this destroys the sanctity of marriage, of course, because … because it just does and I’m naughty like that.
There is another arrow in my engorged quiver of gayness-spreading. Did you know that just being around gays makes you a flaming homo? My gay aura is so immense that those around me often convert immediately to the way of the gay. Just last week at the mall I passed a group of teenage boys and as soon as my queer emanations washed over them, they broke out into a gay frenzy! Like lovely little pixies they pranced to the nearest Express store, shopped to their hearts content, giggled uncontrollably at cute boys walking by and held hands down the aisles. Justin Bieber himself could not have raised the flames any higher.
Another day I was enjoying a dip in a public pool. Tragically, my gay aura blocker—a manly swimsuit with pictures of power tools and Chuck Norris—failed and all that gooey aura got into the water. Children instantly turned gay, splashing each other with limp wrists and lisping happily, “I got you, you silly goose!” An adult accidentally swallowed some water and soon doubled over on the pavement, puking up unicorns, glitter and episodes of Will & Grace. ‘Twas madness!
There you have it. I hope this very special educational article will clear up all the nasty rumors and lies spread about us gays. Now if you’ll excuse me, a new episode of Glee is on.