Creep of the Week

Creep of the Week – David Usher

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Think back to all of the times you’ve heard straight women say things like, “Ugh, I wish I could be a lesbian, it would be so much easier.” And have you ever wondered why Judy Brady’s “I Want A Wife” essay from the early 70s is required reading in any and all Women’s Studies classes? Because ladies ain’t want no husbands. Oh, but ladies do want babies. If only there existed a way for women to marry each other, yet still be able to get some impregnating dick on the side…

Thankfully, David Usher, president of the Center for Marriage Policy, has it all figured out and he mansplained the whole thing in an Aug. 21 post on Renew America’s website.

Basically, Usher argues that once women can legally marry other women, feminists will take over, using men solely to empty their testes of sperm and their wallets of money.

Usher claims there’s no such thing as marriage equality, and that such a thing would actually create three classes of marriage, with lesbians benefiting over heterosexuals and gay men because women would marry each other as part of a diabolical scheme to enslave men.

“Most women will bear children by men outside the [same-sex] marriage – often by pretending they are using birth control when they are not. Entrapped men become economically-conscripted third parties to these marriages, but get nothing in return,” Usher writes.

I’d like to point out Usher’s use of the words “most” and “often.” He’s not saying, “Hey, here’s a crazy thing that could happen maybe.” He’s saying, “This is definitely going to happen and it’s going to happen the majority of the time.” Which is totally insane.

Usher continues, “This is a significant advantage compelling women who would otherwise become (or are) single mothers to choose to marry a woman instead of a man. They can combine incomes, double-up on tax-free child support and welfare benefits, decrease costs, and double the human resources available to raise children and run their household.” He even adds that lesbos in name only (LINOs) would “often” keep boyfriends on the side and take their money, too.

The bottom line? Clever bitches be hustlin’.

And it’s not just straight men in danger here. Usher argues, “In most cases, [gay] men will become un-consenting ‘fathers’ by reproductive entrapment.” How a woman tricks a gay man into knocking her up is not made clear, however, he does use the word “most,” which means he believes that the majority of gay men will become duped daddies.

If same-sex marriage is legalized Usher says, “economic advantage will still drive women’s marital decisions,” because, duh, women were gold diggers before marriage equality and they’ll be gold diggers after it, too. And so women will become a bunch of welfare dykes getting knocked up with bastard children for the fat government bennies.

Usher claims that men will be “redlined” out of marriage and the “welfare state” will spiral out of control, putting the burden of supporting all of these penis-free families on the dwindling heterosexual tax base.

There’s nothing more terrifying to a right-wing nut than a lesbian couple raising children on welfare, which Usher makes very clear when he writes, “This is far more dangerous than ObamaCare, abortion, capital punishment, or excessive gun regulations.”

Something worse than ObamaCare? Than abortion? Than gun control? Considering Usher’s essay is titled, “Our last chance to save traditional marriage,” I would say he is doomed. But he certainly does have one hell of an imagination.

DAnne Witkowski

D'Anne Witkowski is a poet, writer and comedian living with her wife and son. She has been writing about LGBT politics for over a decade. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.

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