Creep of the Week

Creep of the Week: Bryan Fischer

It’s a dark day for gay and bi-curious men. Well, at least for all the gay and bi-curious men who were hoping to do the gay sex with the American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer.

For years there have been rumors. Is he or isn’t he? Could this man who calls homosexuality a “disease” and “a sickness” secretly want to hump a hunk of a man?

Could this man who rails against homosexuality, saying that he is “grossed out by what homosexuals do,” be just another right-wing closet case? After all, Fischer would be in storied company: Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, George Rekers, Jim West, Mark Foley. I could go on.

Until now, nobody knew for sure. Until now, nobody had been brave enough to ask Fischer directly.

But that all changed when a gay named Wes called up Fischer’s AFA radio program to have words with the man who, quite frankly, seems obsessed with homosexuality and consumed with vitriol for gays.

“I do not believe people are born homosexual,” Fischer told his caller. “I believe it’s a matter of sexual behavior and conduct which is always a matter of choice.”

This is no revelation. Fischer has long claimed that people aren’t born gay, but there are people who have gay sex because they eeny-meeny-miny-moed it or something.

But worry not. He has scorn for single people, too.

“We have single people in our churches,” he tells Wes, “and our message to them is, look, to have sex outside of marriage, I don’t care whether it’s gay sex or straight sex, to have sex outside of marriage is a sin in the eyes of God and we believe that you can remain abstinent, you can remain chaste, that you have a choice over what you do with your sexual impulses. You don’t have to give in to every sexual impulse that you feel.”

You hear that pervs? Fischer is equal opportunity sex-negative. If you’re not married you shouldn’t be doing “it,” whether you’re doing gay “it” or straight “it.” Ha ha, just kidding. Fischer definitely cares whether you’re doing gay sex or straight sex. Because he doesn’t think same-sex couples should be allowed to get married. Which means he doesn’t think gays and lesbians should ever have sex. Unless, of course, they’re having sex with a straight person they tricked into marrying them.

Wes then goes in for the kill. “I have something I would like to ask you,” he says. “Could you have sex with a man?”

This question catches Fischer off guard. “Would I?” he asks.

Wes corrects him: “Could you?”

“No,” Fischer replies, surprised laughter in his voice.

When Wes reminds Fischer he claims gay sex is a choice, something people could chose to do or not do, rather than an orientation, Fischer responds, “Sure it is, I’m just saying it’s emotionally, morally, mentally impossible for me. …[T]here is nothing in me that would let me do that.”

Alas. Sorry, guys.

Wes then points out that he feels the same way about women that Fischer feels about men.

Thankfully Fischer can mansplain that. “Well that’s fine,” Fischer says. “Wes, my point is that if an individual does not have a legitimate way to satisfy their sexual impulses, then the path that God has designed for them is the path of abstinence, chastity and celibacy.”

How convenient that what God wants so perfectly aligns with what Fischer hates. So keep it in your pants, homos, and thank God for your sexless lives. What a gift.

DAnne Witkowski

D'Anne Witkowski is a poet, writer and comedian living with her wife and son. She has been writing about LGBT politics for over a decade. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.

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