Who's Your Daddy

Look into my crystal ball

When I was in grad school, Kelly and I went to a county fair where I had my palms read by an old “gypsy” woman. At first she seemed to be spot on: she predicted I’d be going on a trip across a body of water to a country where English wasn’t spoken, but I was learning their language. We were a couple of weeks away from heading to Russia. Pretty amazing, right?

Then she blew it. She saw me married to a woman and having three kids. I soon came to realize that even her “spot on” predictions were really just educated guesses. Back then, a guy my age living in Monterey was either in the army, attending the military language school, or — like me — was in an international studies program at one of the two graduate colleges. There was a pretty good chance all of palms she was reading were headed overseas.

The holidays are a time for people to make bold predictions about themselves and the world at large. People declare they’ll quit smoking, lose weight, read more. Psychics predict great natural disasters, Hollywood gossip, and life-changing world events.
A quick internet search of “psychic predictions for 2013” unearthed a collection of what some of the “top psychics” saw in store for the year. As I read the list, I admit I was less impressed with their accuracy than those of my county fair gypsy.

  • Kate Middleton didn’t have a girl.
  • Cuba didn’t become a part of the U.S. (she also predicted Puerto Rico would – um, it already is…)
  • Tommy Lee Jones didn’t take home an Oscar for his role in Lincoln.
  • But the Boston Red Sox did win the World Series (that’s for my buddy, Bob Henline).

I was curious, if these self-proclaimed top psychics in the country could be so off base, how well could a mere mortal like me do? Well, let’s see what predictions for 2014 my crystal ball can conjure up!

  • Gus will score more goals in hockey.
  • Niko will pass first grade.
  • Kelly will surprise me with a romantic weekend getaway (hint, hint, honey).
  • The cats will continue to bring me love-offerings of dead and half-dead rodents.
  • The Utah Pride Center will remain adrift.
  • Equality Utah will ignore the fact that marriage equality is important to the overwhelming majority of LGBTQ Utahns, and will continue to endorse candidates opposed to it.
  • Meanwhile, marriage equality will become the law in more and more states.
  • Mia Love will consistently make statements that simultaneously offend and enrage me.
  • Ditto Sen. Mike Lee.
  • State Sen. Jim Dabakis will make the GOP increasingly uncomfortable in their hypocrisy.
  • Gayle Ruzicka will smile — wait, let’s not get carried away.
  • Novak Djokovic will finally win the French Open.
  • The University of Utah’s football team will have a season that doesn’t make me yell profanities at the television screen.
  • BYU will still suck.
  • The New York Yankees will win the World Series (that’s also for my buddy, Bob Henline).

My crystal ball is pretty cloudy, so I’m not sure how accurate my predictions are going to be. But I can, with 100 percent accuracy, predict that my love for my kids and husband will continue to grow every day, that the LGBTQ community will grow stronger and stronger, and that I won’t be marrying a woman and having three kids.

Here’s wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season and may all your best predictions for 2014 come true!

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