Creep of the Week

Creep of the Week: Thomas John Paprocki

What a wonderful day for an exorcism!

On Nov. 20 in Springfield, Illinois, Gov. Pat Quinn will sign the bill to legalize marriage for same-sex couples.

But not if the head of the city’s Roman Catholic diocese can help it! Bishop Thomas John Paprocki opposes marriage equality and he knows just the thing to stop this evil scourge: a good ol’ fashioned Linda Blair-style exorcism.

Yes, while Gov. Quinn is using a pen to turn Illinois into a den of inequity, Bishop Paprocki (not to be confused with Bishop Poprocks, who is in rehab after a Coca Cola binge nearly killed him), will use the power of his imagination to save the state from doom.

Paprocki is plenty pissed at Illinois lawmakers, especially the Catholic ones.

“It is scandalous that so many Catholic politicians are responsible for enabling the passage of this legislation and even twisting the words of the pope to rationalize their actions despite the clear teaching of the church, Paprocki lamented in a statement. “All politicians now have the moral obligation to work for the repeal of this sinful and objectionable legislation. We must pray for deliverance from this evil which has penetrated our state and our church.”

Ha. He said “penetrated.” As far as “twisting the words of the pope,” Paprocki is referring to some recent statements made by Pope Francis that were interpreted by many as pro-gay simply because they were not rabidly anti-gay like the words of the previous Holy See, Pope Ratched. Oops, I mean Pope Benedict.

But Paprocki can stomp his feet all he wants. This “moral obligation” he claims “all politicians” have is clearly not going his way. Instead, Illinois politicians are choosing the moral obligation of equality.

And so Paprocki is doing what anyone throwing a hissy fit about not getting his way does: he’s holding an exorcism. I am not making this up.

According to a press release from the Catholic Diocese of Springfield, “Bishop Thomas John Paprocki will offer ‘Prayers of Supplication and Exorcism in Reparation for the Sin of Same-Sex Marriage’ at the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception … on Wednesday, Nov. 20, from 4 to 5 p.m. Clergy, religious and laity are invited to attend.”

Oooh. I hope there will be cookies and punch afterwards.

In order to justify the exorcism, the press release continues, “The presence of the Devil and other demons appears and exists not only in the tempting or tormenting of persons, but also in the penetration of things and places in a certain manner by their activity, and in various forms of opposition to and persecution of the church.”

I don’t totally understand what all of that means, but I have a pretty good idea what the gay-sex obsessed church means by “the penetration of things and places in a certain manner by their activity.” And because two guys or two ladies getting married is clearly the work of Satan, an exorcism is in order.

If you’re reading this after Nov. 20 and feel sad to have missed the festivities, worry not. Either you were physically at the exorcism or you’re living in a post-exorcism world where gay marriage has been driven out of this land and anyone who has a problem with that can go suck cocks in Hell.

DAnne Witkowski

D'Anne Witkowski is a poet, writer and comedian living with her wife and son. She has been writing about LGBT politics for over a decade. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.

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