Who's Your Daddy

Think about the parents

OK, I admit it. When I first heard that the State of Utah’s primary argument to uphold Amendment 3 is procreation, I waited for the punch line. Somehow, the argument goes, if two dudes can get married, then Harry will marry Tom rather than Sally. That means no more babies. Next thing you know our jam-packed classrooms are dangerously less crowded.

Seems like the only thing missing was Helen Lovejoy from The Simpsons shrieking, “Won’t someone please think of the children?”

The kids? The kids??? What about the parents? Won’t someone please think of the parents?

I mean since the state is arguing that marriage is about kids and families, if same-gender marriage is legal then discriminatory adoption laws will have to fall to allow for children to be adopted in order to make gay couples’ marriages real. The poor things. Not the kids, the parents!

There is a myriad of reasons why perfectly happy gay couples should be spared from the horrors of parenthood because of marriage. An appeal based on protecting would-be parents by denying them marriage could focus on health issues, finances and physical intimacy.

Having kids is bad for your health.

Here’s a secret about kids that most parents don’t tell you: their little bundles of joy are walking, talking petri dishes of disease right out of some mad scientist’s biological warfare lab. Even as I write this, I have some weird laryngitis ailment, The best I can muster is a scratchy whisper. You don’t need to be a CSI investigator to figure out who my patient zero is: Gus was sick the previous couple of days.

Before the boys came along, I was the picture of perfect health. Sure, I’d get the sniffles now and then, maybe even the flu every few years, but nothing major. Now, all it takes is for a classmate’s neighbor’s cousin’s little brother to sneeze and I catch the bubonic plague.

Kids break the bank. I remember disposable income. It was a good thing. Nothing cracks me up more than when someone reminds me that we, “get to take the boys off of our taxes.”

Yes, we do get a discount on our taxes, but trust me kids are expensive. Ignore the extras — sports, birthdays, toys — just the everyday expenses associated with life can be astonishing. And it’s a vicious circle. They need food, which means they grow. They grow, which means they need new clothes. Although Niko still thinks it’s cool to wear his big brother’s hand-me-downs, increasingly he’s wanting his own style.

What’s really scary is that in just a few years, we’re going to have two teenage boys. The amount of food a teenage boy can eat is unreal.

Physical intimacyis a thing of the past. Everybody knows that as soon as you get married you stop having sex. Straight, gay, doesn’t matter. Add kids to the mix and you’re really doing nothing to spark the romance. The desire is still there, but the time and energy it takes is just a buzz kill.

Just last night, I woke up to find our 7-year-old dug in under the blankets between us, while his cat was curled up between my legs – licking my foot every time it wandered outside the blankets.

Nothing says, “let’s get it on” like barbed kitty tongue and a snoring first grader.

The way I figure it, nothing would’ve made a stronger, more compassionate argument against marriage equality than trying to save us from becoming parents — sick, broke, sexless parents.

For the love of God, won’t someone please think about the parents?

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