Queer Shift


Meet. Date. Engagement. Announcement. Marriage. Marriages. Weddings. Gifts. Guests. Cake. Champagne. Celebrations. Equality. With marriage equality comes so much joy and happiness, but when you pick up one end of that stick, you also pick up the other. On the other end of that stick is potential divorce. Being a huge fan of Tammy Wynette her famous lyrics come directly to mind.

“Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E becomes final today
Me and little J-O-E will be goin’ away
I love you both and it will be pure H-E double L for me
Oh, I wish that we could stop this D-I-V-O-R-C-E.”

Inevitability says it must be so. Percentages for successful gay marriage are higher, stats prove we are doing much better than our straight counterparts, but time is also the main factor in both directions.

We’ve only had the equality to marry for a few short years as compared to straights, but we also have been partnered, living together, in love, waiting, longing for the freedom to marry. Time factors in on both counts. Divorce is like losing a job, only possibly 1,000 times worse. I’ve done it in the straight world and it was one of, if not the biggest challenge of my life. I am married again—this time in the gay world, and I am with the love of my life. Lucky me. Marriage can still be challenging, the challenges are the same for all humans. Being queer we do however face many differences in our marriages, albeit more similarities with all who are married, partnered, or in a relationship.

Since this QSaltLake edition is dedicated to love and marriage, I felt the need to stay optimistic, positive and celebratory, so I’ll humbly offer some tips I personally feel will enhance and increase the chance for a successful queer marriage.

  1. Commitment is critical. Every single day. The marriage has to always be priority one, and the couple really has to keep a long term view or vision for ongoing success.
  2. Your spouse is a package deal. So account and deal! Take the good with the not so good, and accept that before you say I DO!
  3. Recognize that marriage is a journey that ebbs and flows, and passion will wane, but reignite over time. The success of your marriage is not measured by how you celebrate the good times, but by how you support each other through the challenges. Big fucking TRUTH.
  4. Share quality time and never stop being friends. Strengthen that friendship by making it a daily focus, making time to connect with quality conversations,  even if the time has to be scheduled. Always take time to laugh and play together inside and outside the home, especially in the bedroom. Great sex is adult play. Use the playground.
  5. Master healthy communication. Speak to each other lovingly and respectfully. Say no to the four cancers; criticizing, comparing, competing or complaining about your spouse. Patience. Be gentle. Listen. Talk.
  6. Do little things that make a big difference. Elevate your spouse by being willing to say I love you, thank you, and I’m sorry regularly and when needed. Oh, and do things without being asked. Do your part.
  7. Create a home of trust and security. Keep your promises, whatever they are, for each separate and unique marriage. Trust and be trustworthy — a big undoing with most marriages that go bad.
  8. Agree on what you want your marriage to look and feel like, with one another and those with whom you interact. Have some goals, and obtain them.
  9. Ask for help. Healthy marriages are created, not found. Individual or couples counseling is not admitting defeat, it can and will help.
  10. Yes, and finally 10 (because we anal retentive gays must have it all be even). A rambling of tiny tips I have personally observed help a marriage. Watch your waistline and keep health and wellness a couple’s goal. Figure out early on boundaries, rules, ways and methods. Make sex a priority, and experiment and open to trying new things to keep it hot. Be flexible (a shared definition). As you age as a couple, be very conscious caregivers. Have one another’s back. Love and nurture you.

Nietzsche said it best.

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”

Go for the friendship, make it alive, make it real, make it indestructible. Hope I didn’t overdo on the advice — I truly want queer marriage to roar. Here’s to your married couple roar.


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