By D’Anne Witkowski
I’m tired of talking about toilets, everybody. I don’t love using public restrooms, mostly because of the ick factor and lack of total privacy. But I sure am glad that public restrooms exist. And if you, too, are a Peeing American, then you likely share my appreciation for the public restroom.
Unfortunately, the public restroom is under attack. What was once a place of personal relief has now become a place for evil-doers to lurk. A place that was once a mostly private necessity has become a public symbol of doom.
And those evil-doers are, duh and obviously, Republicans. Did you think I was going to say transgender people? Because Republicans think it’s transgender people. And boy are they obsessed with where transgender people go to the bathroom.
Case in point: the city of Charlotte, North Carolina just passed an anti-discrimination ordinance that includes protections for LGBT people. I’d say thank you, but I really think “it’s about time” is more appropriate.
Not surprisingly, the anti-gay right is aghast at Charlotte’s new homo-lovers status, and this includes North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory.
According to the Charlotte Observer, in an email to two Republican City Council members, McCrory wrote, “It is not only the citizens of Charlotte that will be impacted by changing basic restroom and locker room norms but also citizens from across our state and nation who visit and work in Charlotte.”
In other words, if you let trannies into restrooms and locker rooms, ain’t nobody safe no how. Also, the tourists! Won’t someone think of the tourists?
I should point out that support for anti-discrimination ordinances like the one Charlotte just adopted are pretty high and more and more common across the country. So I guess tourists who are concerned about running into LGBT people in Charlotte bathrooms could take shelter in McCrory’s office in Raleigh about 170 miles away.
Warning that the ordinance would put “citizens in possible danger from deviant actions by individuals taking improper advantage of a bad policy,” McCrory’s email continued, “Also, this action of allowing a person with male anatomy, for example, to use a female restroom or locker room will most likely cause immediate state legislative intervention which I would support as governor.”
Okay, so if someone with a penis uses a ladies’ room anywhere in the state, then the Legislature and governor will spring to action. Total state response necessary here, folks. Bring out the National Guard! We must inspect the genitals of all public restroom users for the safety of the state! Also women will be required to wear long sleeve tent dresses that hit just above the knees so that they match the symbol on the restroom door because women wearing pants is just too confusing.
Most likely the “state legislative intervention” that McCrory is promising is one of those “religious freedom” laws that make it safe to discriminate against people if Jesus tells you so.
Then again, perhaps the Legislature is planning a bill that would designate McCrory’s office a safe space for hate. What a tourist attraction that would be! The symbol on the ladies’ room could be just like the common “no smoking” symbol, only using a penis instead of a cigarette.
North Carolina’s state motto, by the way, is, “Esse quam videri,” which means, “To be, rather than to seem.” It sounds like McCrory is taking that quite literally.