Gay Writes

Gay Writes: Cloning is the answer

By Appio Hunter

I hate election year. I hate listening to the news during election year. I hate the sensational headlines, the vitriolic sound bites, and the spiteful bickering that news outlets try to pass off as “debates.” The negativity and the sensationalism make my stomach turn, and this is especially true when conservative politicians use the LGBTQ community as their scapegoat to get votes from their most passionate supporters.

This year is no different. Once again, marriage equality is the hot-button topic for social conservatives. “Religious liberty” is the current rallying cry as the bullies conveniently portray themselves as the victims. While I’m not a confrontational person, and the fact I hate politics, I’ve often wondered how we can best counter the “religious liberty” argument. Reason and logic would seem to be the obvious choices but there’s plenty of evidence to show that reason and logic almost never win against emotional manipulation and fear mongering. That’s because the people who buy into the fear and hate aren’t logical and they don’t even have the capacity to reason. They only care about one thing — their fear.

Talk about a dilemma. If logic and reason are powerless against fear, the only option left to win over the fearful is to give them something even greater to fear. But what could we do that would make opponents of marriage equality so fearful that they turn into supporters? Then it hit me.

Clone them.

I know that seems like a huge stretch, but stick with me here. If you take a close look at the people who consistently, year after year, stake their political careers on how they can turn their unhealthy obsession with the LGBTQ community into legislation that creates second-class citizens, you will see a common pattern: They all have an over-inflated sense of self-importance. Like Narcissus in Greek mythology, these politicians are so enamored with their self-image they fail to see anything else except themselves, and by extension, they refuse to listen to anyone but themselves. Every self-proclaimed crusader for God, from Donald Trump and Ted Cruz all the way down to our state’s dictator queen, Gayle Ruzika and her servants in the Utah legislature, share this trait.

So, why not clone them? Why not give them a real version of themselves to worship, fawn over, and even marry? Since there is no legal definition of a clone’s relationship status with oneself (is it a sibling, a child, or neither?) one can technically argue that Donald Trump can marry his clone because they’re consenting adults and they’re both the same gender. Can you imagine the wedded bliss Donald would enjoy because he no longer has to argue with anyone? He can say that now, finally, someone understands him and can appreciate him for who he is. Although the idea is horrifying, I can imagine that to Donald, the sex in his new marriage would be mind-blowingly awesome.

So let’s give Rush Limbaugh, Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, Glenn Beck, Michelle Bachmann, and the rest of their ilk copies of themselves and let them enjoy a few months of marriage euphoria. Let them become even more madly, passionately infatuated with themselves than they already are. And then let them turn on the news one day and be told that they — and by extension their spouses and their marriages — are abominations in the eyes of God and that their marriages should be annulled, their rights taken away, and they should be separated from the rest of society.

That, my friends, is our solution. Imagine the fear that will grip their hearts when faced with the monster they created! I’m talking about real fear, not the bogus fears they manufacture to boost their self-importance or win an election. I’m talking about them experiencing the fear of losing their rights to protect the one person they love more than life itself. Once they’re threatened by the very ideology they spew every day, I guarantee that the opponents of marriage equality will be very much in favor of it.

I’m ready to start immediately. Love is love after all, and the science is there. We’ve already cloned sheep, and since Donald has shown us that Tea Party politicians and voters aren’t genetically different from their four-legged counterparts, this should be easy to do.

Gay Writes is a DiverseCity Series writing group, a program of SLCC’s Community Writing Center. The group meets the 2nd and 4th Monday of each month, 6:30-8pm, 210 E. 400 South, Ste. 8, Salt Lake.

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