Gidday, Muffins! How the hell are ya?
Yes Darlings, it’s me, your long lost glittery gal pal Ruby Ridge, back in the burg for a quick visit. And let me tell you what a study of contrasts this visit has been! I left my little glamour shack on the west coast of Australia where it was a summery 102 degrees and landed in Utah where it has snowed for three days. Really Zion? That’s my welcome back after three years in the Outback? I was expecting Governor Herbert with a muffin basket or at least one of the more senior Apostles with a book of Chuck-a-Rama coupons, but no it wasn’t to be. Thankfully I had had a week in Hong Kong to ease into winter, but now I can’t tell if I have a horrible head cold or if I am coming down with Asian Bird Flu. Either way, I’m going through tissues like Jackie Biskupski goes through cabinet members.
Speaking of Hong Kong, Petals, what a fun little village. By divine providence there was a sauna just down the street from my hotel that caters to Asian bears. OMG! I know right? I was in smooth chubby Asian butt heaven, and compared to my adorable rotund little Chinese counterparts, my Caucasian penile berth came across like a Ginger Mandingo! I don’t care what Kenny Rogers says, Ruby was definitely taking her love to town. The whole experience was really validating and great for my self esteem, but the highlight Cherubs can be summed up in three simple words …. Chinese weight lifter. Oh my god Darlings, he was built! The quads … dear lord, the quads … words cannot describe how solid and smooth. Somewhere along the Great Wall of China, there is a chunk missing because I banged that slab all the way to Mongolia.
Because you know me Pumpkins, if there is one thing I love more than Chinese takeout … it’s Chinese put it back in!
Now some of you may see this as an appalling act of random sexual gratification but I believe it was much more than that. I think of it as fostering goodwill, breaking down barriers and strengthening international relations. And before you judge too quickly, let me tell you this: I learned a valuable life lesson there in that dim little corner of China — with its centuries of history, wisdom and philosophy — I will treasure, until the day I die, that you must always open the condom before you get lube on your hands!
Seriously Kittens, otherwise it’s a complete nightmare: Trying to dry your hands on a towel that is halfway across the pitch dark room and praying to god that it’s not his towel because you know, that would be tacky, and you still end up tearing the damn packet open with your teeth. Meanwhile he’s face down, bum up, wondering what’s taking so long, and realizing all of the propaganda he’s heard about dumb, slow, lazy Americans is actually true.
Speaking of dumb, slow, lazy Americans, what the hell is going on with the presidential campaign people?
If I may humbly speak on behalf of the rest of the world: America, have you completely lost your shit? Do you, as the last remaining superpower, with more nukes than God, really want a president with the intellectual capacity of a Jell-O shot like Donald Trump having access to launch codes? I will be so glad to be back in Australia before the conventions or I would be screaming at CNN on my big screen like a maniac. I would be a danger to myself and those around me, sort of like when I was driving on the wrong side of the road along West Temple last week. I bet that Trax engineer needed a change of pants … but he will never again doubt my resolve!
Well, I am now off to self-medicate at the new Popeye’s that opened down the street. It’s lovely to be back, and it’s so great to see all of your happy, inbred little faces again.