So, we’ve discussed crocodiles and fish, and I hope we’ve had our eyes opened to see exactly how different selfies can be in this new lexicon known as the Selfie Animalia. Just as expansive as the animal kingdom is, the lexicon of selfies is not a bit different. The Aquatic Spectrum is more substantial and will be revisited later; however, today we’re navigating the Woodland Spectrum. We’re talking blank stares, fluffed hair, and even fluffier butts.
To start, the marmot is an animal that’s known for its shrill call. It’s often referred to as the “screaming marmot”. When the marmot lurches upward to scream, it makes an entire body-flexing movement. Thus, the Straining Marmot is a selfie-taker who lurches their body upward to an awkward level of erectness. When they snap that selfie, they’re straining every muscle to sell the optics of muscular definition and muscle girth. The Straining Marmot selfie-taker doesn’t usually have a slender physique but just enough muscle to sell such a visual with full-body flexing. While this selfie type may capture a muscular, bulging optic, the selfie-taker may need to examine their britches — being a sexually active gay man for the last seven years, I can safely say that I know sphincters. Also, many of my female friends have had babies. And I know that no sphincter or urethra (male, female, gay, or straight) can take the pressure of a Straining Marmot selfie for too long. Snap that picture quickly because you’re on a speedway track to passing gas, rupturing something, or making milk duds in your pants.
While the Straining Marmot embellishes a muscular physique, the Hoot Owl embellishes something more fibrous. As an owl fluffs its feathers when it’s cold, scared, or attracting a mate, the Hoot Owl selfie-taker fluffs, flips, and gets their hair to picture-perfect condition before capturing a selfie. Not everyone has a natural Shakira-esque volume or Jason Mamoa-esque placement; however, the Hoot Owl selfie-taker makes sure their hair is like a blossoming crown before they snap their picture. This selfie holds no risks of obvious discovery except only to those who are watching you prepare. Onlookers might ponder if you’re getting your hair ready for a selfie, checking for ticks, or shaking out the residuals of demonic possession.
While the Hoot Owl fluffs their hair, the Twisty Squirrel arches their back, flexes their thighs, and hoists their butt into further existence for a selfie of big-ass proportions. The Twisty Squirrel selfie-taker sucks in their stomach, twists their lower back to an impossible degree, and pushes their butt out with every ounce of strength at their lower lumbar’s disposal! This selfie may appear uncomfortable; that’s because it is. Now, I’m a twink; therefore, before I was a crocodile selfie-taker I was a Twisty Squirrel swiveling my butt to make every bear drool, every otter double-take, and every other twink know that the Queen had landed. Regardless of how much of a gymnastic feat this selfie style is, the Twisty Squirrel gives a perfect silhouette of a tight waist, chiseled shape, and a butt that Jesus would’ve used to serve fish with after his sermon on the mount.
Whether you’re straining out a veiny, muscular snap, capturing a hair selfie worthy of Vogue, or making that derriere peekaboo like the Keebler elf at a Girl Scout cookie convention, these three selfie types are sure to bring all the boys to the yard and have the milkshake blenders overheating. Flex those muscles, fluff that hair, and perch that butt like it could nest a family of bald eagles. This year we’re getting so extra selfie that Tarzan could swing from the sexual tension within our Facebook threads. After all, it’s our ability to irresponsibly ignore our lack of control that separates us from the animals.