From QSaltLake Magazine’s Creep of the Year to 2019’s week 1 Creep of the Week. Stellar!
I really wanted to write about someone other than Donald Trump this week. I, like many people, have major Trump fatigue. But he remains the biggest creep in the land. And so, here we are.
Plus, the revolving door at the White House is whirling around so fast it’s flinging people out of the administration faster than you can say “shit show.” So even if I picked someone else in the Trump administration, chances are they’d be gone before the ink on this column dries.
But I don’t really want to write about Trump. And so I’m going to write about some other things, knowing that, with a monster like Trump at large, he is looming over every subject.
Elizabeth Warren announced that she’s running for president. I would be super happy to see a President Warren. Did you know she loves dogs? And is also smart? And is also nice? Trump is none of these things. He also calls Warren “Pocahontas” because she’s claimed Native American ancestry, as has just about every white American ever. Fun fact: Trump doesn’t GAF about Native Americans and probably thinks the Battle of Wounded Knee is about a guy who falls off a golf cart and tears his ACL.
Louis C.K., the disgraced comic who has admitted to jerking off in front of women who did not want to see him jerking off, unveiled some HILARIOUS new material in which he makes fun of the kids who survived the high school shooting in Parkland, Florida. He “jokes” that these kids aren’t interesting just because they didn’t get shot, and accuses them of using fat kids as human shields.
Not only is that a lame joke, but it’s especially galling when it has just been reported that the adults in charge put on a tragic ballet of incompetence while kids were being massacred inside Building 12. But hey, glad to see Louis’s getting stage time. Another example of how being a mediocre white male will get you far in America, and how being a mediocre white male who is also trash is a goddamn super power.
The federal government is shut down as I write this, and likely is still shut down as you read this. If you did any traveling over the Christmas holiday then you were being screened by TSA agents who were working unpaid, and so long as the government is shut down that will be the case. Thank goodness everybody does their best work when their boss is yanking their paycheck out of their hands for reasons that have nothing to do with them. The boss in question is, of course, Trump, and the reason is the border wall that Mexico is definitely not going to pay for.
As I am writing this 2018 turned into 2019 so Happy New Year. I hear a lot of fireworks going off (and I am hoping they are just fireworks; for the love of all things holy do not shoot guns into the air on New Year’s Eve) and I am just thankful that my dog isn’t terrified of fireworks. He’s just terrified of things like his food bowl, the cat, wood floors and spray bottles of any kind.
So he’s snoring next to me right now and my wife and son are asleep upstairs and basically everyone in this house is smarter than me because I am so tired and nothing sounds better than being asleep right now. But I put off writing this column until the last minute because I didn’t want to write about Trump again. And here I am, literally kicking off the new year wrong.
Let’s all make some New Year’s resolutions together, shall we? Starting with not letting Trump rob us of our precious sleep. We should also exercise more and eat more greens. And we should do all of those things while working or volunteering for a candidate or cause that we believe in because there are actually good people who want to be in government.
Elizabeth Warren is one of them. And honestly, I don’t care if you like her or not. I can guarantee you that if she was president I wouldn’t be up past midnight on New Year’s reading about ponies dying of swamp cancer which is literally happening in Chincoteague, Virginia because 2018 thought we didn’t have metaphors that were heavy-handed or bleak enough.
D’Anne Witkowski is a poet, writer, and comedian living in Michigan with her wife and son. She has been writing about LGBT politics for over a decade. Follow her on Twitter @MamaDWitkowski.