The Perils of Petunia Pap Smear

Petunia Pap Smear: The tale of a new year’s kiss

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The road to a New Year’s kiss is fraught with danger and excitement.

A few years ago, in preparation for the upcoming New Year’s Eve party at Club Try-Angles, I needed to put together a smashing new outfit. So, I was trying on all my ball gowns, trying to choose the perfect one, able to elicit a coveted kiss from some gorgeous hunk at the stroke of the new year. To my horror, I discovered that due to the change in the weather (that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it), my entire wardrobe had shrunken so much so that everything was fitting so snuggly that I resembled a snake shedding its skin. 

After much trial and error and grunting and sweating and running mascara and swear words, I finally came to the very last ball gown in my collection. It also was excessively small and needed some structural enhancement to enable it to “contain” my holiday-enhanced voluptuousness. Armed with a hot glue gun, glitter grenades, and a Be-Dazzler, I can completely cover even the most modest of gowns with rhinestones and sequins faster than I can consume an 18-inch pizza (two minutes). Thusly, I was able to insert a properly bedazzled maternity panel into the garment that would enable me to squeeze into it.   

It became apparent that I needed to fashion a new pair of breasticles more suitable for formal occasions than any of my already existing 16 pairs. I entered “The Petunia Room” and sat down on the floor amid piles of rhinestones, glitter discarded batteries. I gazed at the “boobie shelf” where I store my assortment of breasticles and began singing my work song:  

“There’s thirty-two blinking boobs on the shelf,  
thirty-two boobs on the shelf,  
take one down and the batteries out,  
and there’s thirty-one blinking boobs on the shelf.”   

In the wink of a beaded eyelash, I was able to fashion a stunning pair of technologically superior breasticles, complete with lighted spinning disco-balls. The rest of this story can best be told by quoting from scripture. 

The Book of Pap Smear: 


1 And so I came to pass, that New Year’s Eve did arrive, and Club Try-Angles did send out a decree that all the world should party.  And all went to party, everyone in his own car.  

2 And Petunia, being great with disco breasticles also went up from Chateau Pap Smear in Queertanic to the bar which is called Club Try-Angles.  

3 And there were at the same bar hunky daddies abiding on the dance floor, keeping watch over the twinks by night. And lo, Gene Geiber came upon them, and the glory of Petunia’s disco breasticles shown round about them, And the twinks did back away, for they were sore afraid.  

4 And Gene said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy. For unto you is delivered this night, a queen which is Petunia Pap Smear.  

And so it was, that while she was there, the midnight hour was nearly upon them, and she should be delivered unto the twinky boys. 

6 And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the queen wrapped in sequins and sitting upon a mangy stool.  

7 And suddenly there was a multitude of the dancing boys praising her and counting down, five, four, three, two, one HAPPY NEW YEAR!  

8 And it came to pass, as the twinks were throwing glitter and confetti, the cutest of all the boys was indeed mesmerized by the sparkling disco breasticles and he delivered unto the queen, a peck on the cheek.  

9 And there came wise men, in from the patio saying, where is she that is queen of the Pap Smears. For we have seen the glow of her breasticles in the West and are come to wish her good tidings.  

10 And when they saw her, they rejoiced with exceedingly great joy and presented her with gifts of glitter, rhinestones, and batteries.  

11 And it came to pass that Petunia did grow weary, as it was much past her bedtime, and she did excuse herself from the festivities and did exit the bar alone.  

12 And she did have a great fear of being pulled over by the centurions while wearing a sequined ball gown with disco breasticles; thus she did begin to change clothes in the parking lot, for there was no room in the loo.

13 And lo, she was unable to reach the zipper and was thus trapped inside the ball gown. Mightily she did struggle but to no avail.  

14 A bar patron happened to be leaving and when he saw the struggling queen, passed by on the other side. So too, a lesbian when she came to the place and saw her, passed by as well.  

15 But a drunken stranger, as he staggered towards the bar, saw her, and she called out to him, and he did stop and unzip her dress and then staggered on.  

16 And thus, the blessed miracle of the ball gown Pass Over head did occur. 

This story leaves us with several important questions: 

  1. Was my ability to remodel a ball gown made possible by my internship with a circus tent manufacturer? 
  2. With my disco ball breasticles, should I offer to stand in for the ball drop in Times Square next year? 
  3. Is disco ball hypnosis the only way I can get a cute boy to kiss me? 
  4. Is this the origin of Pass Over? 
  5. To properly observe Pass Over must you paint glitter over your door and prepare a buffet?

These and other eternal questions will be answered in future chapters of The Perils of Petunia Pap Smear

Petunia Pap Smear

Petunia Pap Smear was born a boy in a Mormon family in a small Idaho town in the year of the cock. No, really, look it up. As is LDS tradition, at a month old her father blessed the little Petunia in the ward house on the first Sunday in June. The very next day, they tore the church house down. Probably for good reason. Little did parents Jack and Orthea know that their little boy would grow up to be a full-fledged, rainbow flag-waving, high heel-wearing, sheep-tending “Ida-Homo.” The Perils of Petunia Pap Smear follows her life from the sheep-tending Boy Scout of her youth to the full-figured and brash queen she is today. Her adventures in the many Queer-Tanic trips, the Salt Lake Men's Choir, the Matrons of Mayhem, and Utah Prides and Lagoon Days have been canonized the past 15 years in a monthly column in QSaltLake Magazine, Utah's publication for the LGBTQ+ community. These tales and her words of wisdom were corralled into a 355-page book that will become the Quint to the Mormon Quad. See it at

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