The Perils of Petunia Pap Smear

A tale of wizards, witches, and wands

The road to Hogwarts is fraught with danger and excitement.

Ever since I was first able to get my Lee Press-On fingernail talons gripping my copy of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone,” I have been impatiently waiting for my letter from Hogwarts for lo these many years. Since I was no longer a child but well into my adultery, I felt like I was a little bit late to the party.

A couple of years ago, my patience finally ran out, and I bought tickets for a 3-day Harry Potter movie marathon at the Valley Fair Mall. I thought, how magical it would be to see all eight of the movies on an I-Max screen? It would be the next best thing to being in Hogwarts itself. On the first day of the marathon, since I did not own a magic wand and did not want to feel left out in the theater full of fans, I brought a lightsaber to substitute for a wand. I arrived early so as to be able to secure a good seat in what I expected to be a crowded theater. I excitedly entered the building and sashayed up to the snack counter. I was a touch perturbed that they did not offer pumpkin juice, chocolate frogs, and licorice wands, but what’s a Potter-loving queen to do? So, making do with what was available, I bought the minimum number of supplies needed to sustain me through a 90-minute movie: a gigantic barrel of popcorn, about a gallon of Diet Mtn. Dew, and two pounds of chocolate. My hands were full, so the pizza, hot dog, and nachos would have to wait until intermission.

Clutching my snacks firmly, I entered the auditorium. I was a little taken aback when I realized that I was the only person present. Sure, this was on a Thursday afternoon, but I had expected throngs of fans to skip work like I did to celebrate with my fellow Potterheads. As the lights went down when the movie began, I was feeling a tad embarrassed that other adult-erers or even kids for that matter, had not joined me to revel in the Potterverse.

As the movie progressed, I was captivated by the Potterverse and all the magical spells and charms Harry, Ron, and Hermione were learning, so much so that I got over feeling embarrassed and began reveling in the fact that I was important enough to have a private screening all to myself. I was especially enthralled by the wingardium leviosa spell for levitating things. Since I was all alone, I decided to make the most of this experience, and I whipped out my lightsaber and copied the swish-and-flick wand moves in the movie.

On the second day of the marathon, I stopped at the Dollar Tree store near my house before going to the theater to pick up some more glitter and glue. A girl can never have too much glitter and glue! Then, on to the theater again. At the snack counter, when I went to pay for my popcorn, I realized that my wallet was not in my purse. Drat, I must have left it at the Dollar Tree store. So, I ran out of the theater, jumped back into Queertanic, and drove like a maniac (where is a flying broomstick when you need one?) across the valley, retracing my route to the Dollar Tree. I inquired if they had found a wallet, and the clerk just gave me a blank look, almost as if she had the confundus charm cast upon her. So, taking matters into my own hands, I quickly tried the summoning charm, “accio wallet!” I held out my hand, expecting to receive the wallet, but alas, this action was met with stony silence, blank stares, and my empty hand.

I felt extremely foolish for having left my wallet in the store. And to make matters worse, the wallet contained more than a hundred dollars. CRAP! Dejectedly, I returned home, ready to skip the next movie and start canceling my credit cards. When I got to the front porch of Chateaux Pap Smear, I habitually checked the mailbox for mail, and I was shocked to find that my wallet had been stuffed into the mailbox. All the cash was gone but my credit cards and driver license were still there. How considerate of the thief to return these items. Well, at least I wouldn’t have to cancel all my cards, etc. I felt so lucky to have been robbed by one of the few honest thieves in Salt Lake.

With wallet back in purse, sans cash, I decided that since I had already paid for the movie tickets, I should get my ass back to the theater. So, driving like a fanatic again, I returned to the theater, having missed only the first twenty minutes of the third movie.

Long story short, after three days, eight movies, eating about 20 pounds of popcorn, and losing over a hundred dollars, I was at last all Pottered out! UNTIL NEXT TIME!

This story leaves us with several important questions:

1.    Does drinking diet soda cancel out calories from the chocolate and popcorn?

2.    Just how far must I swish and flick my breasticles to perform this spell?

3.    Do they need to swish in opposite directions?

4.    Should I install a retractable magic wand inside my right breasticle so that I can always be prepared?

5.    If the wand was in the left breasticle, would I then be sorted into Slytherin House?

6.    Could I use the levitation spell wingardium leviosa to lift my stomachus maximus when I step on the bathroom scale?

7.    Should I open a school for honest thieves?

These and other eternal questions will be answered in future chapters of The Perils of Petunia Pap Smear.

Petunia Pap Smear

Petunia Pap Smear was born a boy in a Mormon family in a small Idaho town in the year of the cock. No, really, look it up. As is LDS tradition, at a month old her father blessed the little Petunia in the ward house on the first Sunday in June. The very next day, they tore the church house down. Probably for good reason. Little did parents Jack and Orthea know that their little boy would grow up to be a full-fledged, rainbow flag-waving, high heel-wearing, sheep-tending “Ida-Homo.” The Perils of Petunia Pap Smear follows her life from the sheep-tending Boy Scout of her youth to the full-figured and brash queen she is today. Her adventures in the many Queer-Tanic trips, the Salt Lake Men's Choir, the Matrons of Mayhem, and Utah Prides and Lagoon Days have been canonized the past 15 years in a monthly column in QSaltLake Magazine, Utah's publication for the LGBTQ+ community. These tales and her words of wisdom were corralled into a 355-page book that will become the Quint to the Mormon Quad. See it at

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