A few good men
As difficult as this is for me to believe, in October, Niko celebrated his 18th birthday. I’m no longer the father of boys; I’m the father of men. I’d like to think of good men.
Raising sons is challenging, especially these days. There are a lot of expectations placed on boys and what it means to be a man. Guys are bombarded with a barrage of ultimatums. You need to act this way or behave that way to be a “real” man. We hear too much talk these days about being an “alpha” male, which has justifiably led to a lot of discussion about toxic masculinity.
This type of debate isn’t a new phenomenon. When I was Niko’s age, the manhood litmus test was whether or not you ate quiche or if you were willing to wear pink — spoiler alert, real men didn’t do either.
Even politics are not immune from these displays of preconceived machismo. The GOP National Convention was rife with “real men.” My god, former professional wrestler Hulk Hogan even ripped his shirt off during his speech.
My fear is that too many people cannot separate theatrics from reality. I’m afraid that too many people cannot distinguish truth from hyperbolic rhetoric. And actions taken based on political theater can lead to dangerous results. We’ve seen it happen in countries around the world for centuries.
The Saturday following the election, I had lunch with my mom, two of my siblings, and Kelly (as we do every weekend.) The restaurant we chose has floor-to-ceiling picture windows facing the street. We were seated at a window table. A caravan of supporters of the president-elect was driving towards the Capitol, their vehicles festooned with flags and photos.
At one point, a nearby traffic light must’ve turned red because a couple dozen trucks were stopped directly in front of us. As the drivers joyously honked horns and the passengers yelled the new president’s name, the customers inside the restaurant stared silently out the windows. Finally, one of the servers pulled the blind’s down.
The whole experience lasted only a minute or two, but it was surreal — like a scene from a movie. Honestly, it was a little scary.
Nothing terrible happened. But when we’ve been told repeatedly by the media over the past decade or so that the nation is more divided than ever before, it may not take much for the powder keg to explode. It may just be a matter of time before honking horns and stunned silence turn into punching fists or worse.
Look, from the very first time a parent holds their baby, they have an idea of the type of man or woman they hope that kid will grow up to be. Parents try to instill in their child a certain set of values. The funny truth about values is that everyone believes theirs are the right ones to hold.
Those (mostly) men driving up State Street, honking their horns, and waving those flags saw the election results as validation of the values that had been instilled in them by their parents. I’m not saying that their beliefs are wrong; it’s just that we hold different moral compasses.
I think because we’re gay men, Kelly and I worked extra hard to raise two men who have integrity and empathy and who display kindness and acceptance. For the most part, we were quite successful. They’re not perfect, and not surprisingly, neither are their dads. But the boys have grown into being really good men.
And in my humble opinion, now more than ever, the world needs a few more good men.
