Ask yourself first
A good friend of mine and his wife are expecting their first baby soon. It’s all very exciting. This little bundle of joy isn’t coming into the world accidentally; its parents decided it was time to start their family. And for straight people, once the decision is made, it’s usually a pretty easy process. That’s not really true with LGBTQ+ people.
To get some perspective on what LGBTQ+ people considering parenthood should think about, I reached out to my (fabulous!) friend Sam Leeson. She owns babyReady, where hopeful and expectant queer parents can get information and guidance to make the right decisions. She also hosts an awesome podcast, Becoming babyREADY.
For Kelly and me, the first question we asked ourselves was how we were going to become dads, because, unlike my buddy, the traditional route was a no-go for us. Leeson says, “Truthfully, one of the first questions I would ask myself is: Do I understand that this may not be a fast process—and do I have the stamina to navigate the ups, downs, and unexpected hurdles that can come with creating a family?”
It’s true. From the moment we finished the required parental training until we actually became legally dads took about two years. And we went down the public adoption route only after researching the other myriad choices from “public and private adoption, donor conception, IVF, and surrogacy.”
Leeson encourages her clients to first speak with professionals like lawyers, fertility clinics, adoption agencies, and surrogacy groups. But she also says it’s helpful to hear what other LGBTQ+ people who have been through it before have to say.
There are also some hard questions you need to ask yourself. As Leeson says, “Is a biological connection important to you? Is knowing your child’s genetic history important to you? What about your partner? Do you both feel the same way?” It’s imperative that couples have these discussions well before they’re in the middle of it all.
It’s also important to remember that for a couple, becoming parents is a team sport. Both partners need to be all in, 100 percent. A family isn’t going to work if only one partner is invested in making that big of a commitment.
Look, for LGBTQ+ couples, the process of becoming parents can be really arduous. Leeson suggests that to avoid feeling overwhelmed, break it down into more manageable steps. Begin by making those initial calls or attending an adoption orientation. Start the paperwork; get the ball rolling. The whole journey must start with a first step.
One barrier many would-be parents impose on themselves is waiting for everything to be perfect. Indeed, probably one of the biggest mistakes Leeson has seen is couples continually postponing parenthood as they wait for the “right time”. That’s because there’s likely not going to be a time when absolutely everything is perfect.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t have your proverbial shit together before starting this journey. Your future child needs you to have stable housing, a steady income, and decent medical coverage, for example.
“If you’re emotionally ready and the path is available to you, start where you are. Don’t wait for perfect—because perfect may never arrive,” she advises.
I’m super happy for my buddy and his wife; they’re a really great couple. Honestly, I can hardly wait to meet the kid. And I’ll be excited to meet your child too, if you decide to have one. Just make sure to ask the right questions first!
To learn how Sam Leeson can help you on your journey to parenthood, visit babyREADY.info.
