Unpaid fatherhood

Years ago, I started a job where I was the first openly gay person that most of my colleagues had ever met. Wildly, this was in a San Francisco suburb. Apparently, they were all surprised to learn Kelly is a guy since I didn’t fit their stereotypical views of what gay men are like.

Although I felt a bit like a lab rat, I took it as an educational opportunity and encouraged questions. One of the weirdest conclusions they deduced was that I must be “the girl” because, back then, I did most of the cooking.

This reflected their own reality. In fact, although it has become more equitable all these years later when it comes to unpaid household labor, women still do most of the lifting, like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and childcare. That has everything to do with “traditional” gender roles. But, that uneven distribution of labor is not seen in LGBTQ+ couples. In fact, according to a study cited in The New York Times, gay male couples are the most egalitarian when it comes to divvying up household chores.

“In same-gender relationships, these traditional gender roles are less likely to be present, allowing for a more equitable distribution of unpaid labor,” said Sam Skye, ATR, LAT, LPC and practice owner of Full Spectrum Therapy, which provides LGBTQIA+ affirmative mental health services. “Couples in same-gender relationships are more likely to negotiate and communicate openly about the division of labor. This often leads to a more balanced and fair allocation of tasks, based on individual strengths and preferences rather than societal expectations.”

There’s a reason for this. Dr. Abbie Goldberg of Clark University, who wrote the book Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children, directed me to a Financial Times story in which she commented, “same-sex couples normally have fewer preconceived ideas of how relationships ‘ought to be.’ Without traditional gender roles as a guide, gay couples tend to negotiate.”

This egalitarian approach extends to child rearing as well. A study by the Family and Work Institute cited in a New York Times story found that “same-sex couples were much more likely to share childcare duties.” In fact, we’re almost twice as likely to divvy up tasks associated with parenting. The study showed nearly 74% of LGBTQ+ couples “shared routine childcare and 62% shared sick childcare.” For straight couples, just 38% split childcare and 32% sick care duties.

Since Kelly stayed home with the boys when they were little — doing the heavy lifting — my childcare “jobs” included bath time, reading to them, and bedtime. Yes, I changed my fair share of diapers. No, I didn’t pull my weight when it came to potty training.

But we designed a system that worked for us as parents. In the FT story, Professor Goldberg added, “if we have the freedom to explore what we like and are good at, or at least don’t hate, then there is more room for enacting arrangements that are pleasing, or at least tolerable.”

I think our system had a lot to do with how we viewed the job of parenting; we were in it together. Indeed, Full Spectrum Therapy’s Skye added, “Viewing household responsibilities as a partnership rather than a set of tasks fosters a sense of teamwork and shared goals.”

I didn’t mind that those former colleagues decided I was the “girl” because I cooked. What bugged me was that I didn’t get any man points for being the spider killer in the house.