Game Changer

Kelly and I watch a lot of tennis. And naturally, we have our favorite players. I’m a big fan of (the GOAT) Novak Djokovic. Kelly likes the up-and-comer Ben Shelton. For years, however, we did agree on who our least favorite player was, Daniil Medvedev. The Russian-born, 2021 U.S. Open winner and former world number one was just a jerk. He famously mocked a New York crowd that jeered his perceived poor sportsmanship on the court.

But about five years ago, something changed in his demeanor. He became kinder and nicer. He was more pleasant in interviews and in his interactions with fans. Perhaps not coincidentally, this shift in his behavior coincided with the birth of his first child.

This all made me think: now that the boys are adults, how has fatherhood changed me? Because I do think LGBTQ+ people are changed, for better or worse, more dramatically than our straight peers.

For me, becoming a dad has brought overwhelmingly positive changes. I mean, I wasn’t that bad in the first place, but still…

Now, there are members of my family who are going to call bullshit on me, but being a parent has made me more patient. To their point, going from zero patience to having a little isn’t a huge leap, but it’s still growth.

It’s no secret that in the past, I had a lot of control issues. I still have plenty, but with kids, you can’t really be a control freak and expect to raise functional adult humans. Unless, of course, you’re OK with having a tell-all book written about you after you’re dead, ala Mommie Dearest.

You might remember that last year I was privileged to be featured on the becoming babyReady podcast. The final question interviewer Sam Leeson asked was what was my favorite part of the parenthood journey. Being a dad has allowed me to experience a level of joy that I otherwise wouldn’t have had, from the excitement of a five-year-old Gus getting a pair of plastic Horton Hears a Who elephant ears at a movie to three-year-old Niko seeing candy in his plastic pumpkin and declaring trick-or-treating a “really good idea” – as if I had invented Halloween.

The level of love I have for my husband has grown exponentially because the boys came into our lives. It wasn’t a flood of passion; it was in little, everyday ways. It was his love for our sons that, in turn, made me fall deeper in love with him. The way he cared so gently and kindly for them when they were little. How he shows the patience of Job toward them, while reminding me to find my own calmness.

I’ll also say that the shift from being Christopher and Kelly to Dad and Papa brought a realignment of priorities that forced Kelly and me to make decisions that we otherwise wouldn’t have made – like foregoing frequent travel and living in Utah. More importantly for me, I often felt as if my identity as a gay man had, on some level, disappeared completely. But here’s the reality: I am gay. And embracing myself as a gay dad has allowed me to reprioritize how I present my identity. That in turn has led me to become an outspoken advocate for queer-led families. 

I’m happy Medvedev’s fatherhood has allowed him to be a better person. Although he hasn’t yet won another Grand Slam title since becoming a dad, he has made it to two more finals.  But there’s still hope – after Djokovic’s first kid was born, he went on to win 15 more Grand Slams and an Olympic gold medal!