Cis parents’ guide to holiday gatherings

[Editor’s note: This is a small snippet of Giles’ guide. A link to download the full version is at the end of this article.]

By Ian Giles

For many, the holidays are a time of joy and family, but for the LGBTQ community, it’s often a time of incredible stress, invalidation, and attacks from so-called family. The burden so often lands on the queer person to make everyone else comfortable. Not anymore. This article will discuss the ways the cis parents and allies can make the holidays easier on their queer loved ones.

Step 1: Validation and Input

The first step is simple. Talk to your LGBTQ loved one. Your first step as a parent or ally is to simply reassure your queer loved one that they are, in fact, loved. Use the word “love.” Tell them to their face. Validate their queer identity. Then ask your queer loved one how they are feeling about the upcoming holiday gatherings. Follow that with asking what they want to do regarding their concerns. If your loved one is your young child, you can skip this step; though, don’t reject any input they may offer.

Step 2: Prevention

It’s time to have that dreaded conversation with your family. And do it BEFORE the holiday gathering! Why before? 

• It will give you a chance to clarify or educate. 
• Get the drama out of the way.
• It will shorten your guest list.

Write a letter or email. Everyone can get the letter at the same time, you can take your time in writing it, and focus on what really matters to you. It also gives folks time to think before they react. If you’d rather have this discussion over the phone or in person, that’s fine too. Write down your key talking points. Practice what you’re going to say. Be prepared for negative reactions. 

Boundaries and Rules

Setting boundaries and rules will be essential for a more peaceful holiday. Let’s begin by clarifying the difference between boundaries and rules. Boundaries guide your own behavior through personal limits, while rules aim to control someone else’s behavior. Boundaries are about communication and taking ownership of one’s own emotions and choices. It’s about protecting your own mental, emotional, and physical health. When a boundary is broken, that person will react to protect their own well-being. Rules are about control, so breaking them results in punishment. Rules dictate what others can do.

Rule: Don’t send me work emails after 5pm. 
Boundary: I will not reply to work emails sent after 5pm.

Some possible boundaries/rules:

• No misgendering or deadnaming.
• No talking about politics. 
• All partners will be treated the same, regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression. 
• No questioning someone’s sexuality or gender. 
• Bring problems to you before the holiday.
• Consent first. 

Remember, the goal here is not to exclude your LGBTQ loved one from important discussions. It’s to take the emotional and mental burden off of them. This is where talking to your queer loved one ahead of time comes into play. They will tell you what they are and are not ok with you doing and saying to others, and when they would like to be involved. This is part of that conversation y’all had during Step 1.

Step 3: Follow Through

This is the most important part. You MUST follow through if/when someone crosses the line. You have to show you mean business. This is important not just for the guest who’s causing the trouble, but also for your queer loved one. In order for them to feel safe with you, they need to know you have their back, especially when you receive pushback. Are you a true ally? Will you keep them safe when it really matters?

Before you run off to begin your holiday preparations, take a deep breath. Yes, really. Breathe. And tell yourself, you’ve got this! It can be hard, but remember for whom you are doing all of this. You’ll trip up. And that’s ok. We see and value your efforts more than you know.

Ian Giles is the owner-operator of Genderbands, a nonprofit helping transgender and non-binary people pay for transition-related costs. To read more about this in depth, and see what to do if you aren’t the holiday host, download the full 12-page version online at ko-fi.com/iangiles